Black Dog

Black Dog                                                                       868

Friday, April 29, 2005-9:15 A.M.

Good morning, and hope you're doing well.  I'm typing this entry courtesy of the Puscharik Public Library in Central Eastern Ohio.  After a remarkable five hours of sleep, courtesy of the giant Diet Pepsi I got with my Taco Bell meal last night, I am on the road to Fredericksburg, Virginia.  I dread the trip, because it means going through Washington, D.C. on a Friday....not a successful proposition, if past experience bears any weight.

Speaking of delays and not making the gig, yesterday almost turned out to be a disaster.  I was headed for Tuscarawas, Ohio, for an engagement at the wonderful Canal House restaurant and music venue with headliner Dan Ellison, the Educated Redneck.  I've had the pleasure of working with Dan in about three different states so far, and it's always a good time.  Anyway, thanks to some construction delays in Pennsylvania and Ohio to a lesser extent, I wound up arriving at my hotel with only about 50 minutes to spare before showtime.  I shaved quickly but carefully, treated myself to a hot shower and some clean stage clothes, and then it was off to the club, which was about a 15 drive away.

If you know where you're going.

For the second time in as many weeks, www.randmcnally.com decided to tell me to go left when I should have gone right....actually, last week it was the other way around.  Regardless, it sent me off in the wrong direction for about 4 miles worth of wrong-way driving before I called the club and got set straight.  The only problem is, once I got turned around, the roads in the area tend to spiderweb into all different directions.  Long come short, I got to the club in time to set a spell and have a nice Diet Pepsi before I had to go on.  The m.c. was a nice man named Doug who played guitar and had a wooden leg.  And last night, the wooden leg was full of gin.  He hobbled onstage five minutes before the end of my show because he thought I was closing, so I got him a chair and told him to sit his old ass down, which got a nice bit of laughter and applause from the room.  Apparently, they all know Doug.

The moral of the story is always allow extra time to get where you're going because it isn't always cut-and-dried that you're going to find thegig.  You young comics out there, heed my words.  Not all clubs are as patient as the Canal House, and they will start the show without you, and not pay you, and worst of all, blow you in to the booking agent and you'll never work for them again (or at the very least, work more infrequently).  That's why I'm up so early, I'm anticipating problems getting to where I have to go on time, so I'm going to get there, and if I get there early, maybe I'll treat myself to a little nap.  Better than arriving late and falling out of the car and having to go onstage in your driving apparel stinking of the road, tired and hungry.

One other note.  While driving yesterday, I had the unfortunate experience of seeing my fifth or sixth dead dog by the side of the highway.  My wife and I happen to be animal lovers, and nothing breaks our hearts more than the prospect of a loved family pet going out to do their business and not making it back home.  Somebody loved that dog I saw yesterday, a German Shepard laying by the side of the road, and someone will miss it profusely when they find out what happened.  Drivers, please watch the sides of the road as you travel the highways...there's plenty of deer, raccoons, possums and the like in addition to domestic animals that don't know the rules of the road.  And pet owners, please, please, PLEASE, keep your animals inside, leashed in a yard, or whatever you have to do to keep them safe.

'Cause dogs don't come home late.  They either come home, or they don't.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Paperback Writer

Paperback Writer                                                     847

Wednesday, April 27, 2005-8:27 P.M.

OK, so here's the baby update....she's doing well.  Our doctor told us Harmony has a thing called Rotavirus, which pediatricians lovingly call "Roto Rooter" because it combines diarhea (sic) and vomiting and creates general unpleasantness for the infant (and mom 'n' dad) for 7 to 10 days.  Ouch.  Lots of Pedialyte and clear liquids is the prescription and just wait it out.  And I actually had goals for the week...now it's just administer fluids to the youngster and hope she doesn't spew all over everything.  As the wise old Hebrews said, thousands of years ago, "Man plans, God laughs."

Speaking of plans, here's a few that I thought I'd run by you.  Years ago, I was blackballed from my home comedy club here in Rochester.  I worked for their short-lived competition, and had broken the "loyalty" oath that I apparently had no idea I had sworn, and was unwelcome thereafter.  This was 1993, and I've survived pretty well....the kicker is that the club isn't there anymore!  Ha!  He who laughs last, and all that....

Anyhow, the reason I bring it up is that I could only get stage time at "alternative" venues, including a poetry open mic at Java Joe's Coffee House.  Joe sold the place, and now it's just "Java's," but a nice little bohemian dump for the various Eastman School of Music students and other East-side avant-trash that need a morning pick-me-up and won't patronize Starbucks for political reasons (I personally would never boycott a food establishment for political reasons...KFC could be kicking their chickens in the ass every day, and those snacker sandwiches wouldn't be less tasty in the least).

So my good friend Ray Salah and I used to go to Java Joe's every Tuesday night for the big "Pure Kona Poetry Series" which featured a stunning array of Rochester's "cooler than you" open mic poetry talents, as well as some exciting spoken word artists.  Ray and I were the clowns who would read our stuff and sneak the standup comedy into the mix, unbeknownst to our elegantly hued (black and off-black) patronage.

I still have a good amount of poetry left in a big file (I never throw anything out) and I also play bass, and it always struck me that a cool vanity project to put out would be to put out a CD where I read some of my poetry over a bass track, provided of course by moi.  Of course, to me, everything is a vanity project, and I'm always embarassed by the thought of putting my work out there, but I chose the show business, and the rules say that you have to be pretty unabashed about putting the work out there.  So that's project number 1 in the works

Project number 2 is a CD idea that I've been working over in my mind, and it's essentially a set of "radio plays," for the want of a better phrase to describe them.  Basically, sketch comedy with the audio part only.  I have a couple of good ideas and a few fudgy ones, and of course, the artistic process usually hammers that stuff all into place.

Project number 3 is a "How To Do Standup Comedy" book that I'm almost halfway through with, and it's based on the notes that I've used to teach standup comedy classes at my home club, The Comix Cafe in Rochester.  I'm excited at the prospect of putting out such a book, because it would be something that I could really be proud of, because standup comedy is really the thing that I do well.  I juggle with some skill, play guitar and bass well enough to get into the band, and sing better than karaoke night, but none of these skills is going to make me a star.

So if you happen to see me perform live a year from now, don't be surprised if you see a book and couple more CD's on the merchandise table after the show.  I've planted the seeds and I'm watering them now.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

The Rockin' Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Blues

The Rockin' Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Blues                          821

Tuesday, April 26th, 2005-1:32 P.M.

I'm so exhausted.  My daughter Harmony has had some sort of stomach problem for the last week, and can't keep anything down.  We have to give her small sips of water, formula or Pedialyte in order to keep her from starving.  It's a 7 to 10 day thing, and it's got Pam and me completely wiped out.  The worst of it is that she's still happy and active, just can't eat properly.  As new parents, this is the first time she's really been sick besides Winter sniffles, which was just a bunch of nose-wiping but nothing serious.  It's very daunting.

The biggest problem (besides getting sick myself once I got home from the road) is that you can't get anything done hardly when you're tending to a sick child.  We literally have to give her small sips of liquid every 10 minutes.  You can't hardly compose an e-mail in that time, much less make the phone calls that every comedian needs to make to ensure that their work schedule is full.  I only have the luxury of typing this journal entry because Harmony decided to take a nap for me.  Even so, we give her her bottle in her sleep, and let the instinctual suckling reflex take over.

This was shaping up to be a crappy week, work-wise, but a couple of bookings fell in my lap which will help me make my nut for the week.  It's quite a blessing to be considered a commodity in this business, because you always wind up finding something.  The great pleasure of being a comic is that you have a lot of freedom, but the great curse is that when you don't work, there's no money.  It's not a huge problem for young, single guys who can literally live out of their cars, but for a guy with a family and responsibilities, the tightrope walk is a dire one sometimes.

Harmony has a doctor's appointment at 3 o'clock, so I'm going to finish up here.  News of all the upcoming projects will be dispensed when I can next get around to it.

Today, consider children and how fragile they are, and how much work they are, and think of what your parents went through to try and raise you properly and keep you healthy, and be thankful that they loved you enough to put forth the effort.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Love Reign O'er Me

Love Reign O'er Me                                                 808

Sunday, April 24, 2005-6:31 A.M.

Just got back from Uncasville, Connecticut where I performed at the Polish American Club with headliner Paul Nardizzi and m.c. Ray Salah.  The drive was six hours down and six hours back, and it rained most of the way.  The show, however, was worth it.  The group was small, but was probably the best audience I worked in front of all month.  Compliments were passed around afterwards, and I just have to say they were the nicest people they could have been.  Exhibit A; I was concerned about the weather and the time that I had allowed for Ray and I to make it to the gig for an 8:00 P.M. show, so I passed on the opportunity to eat any food whatsoever all day long.  Now, some of you folks can probably pull that stunt off, but I'm on some medications that require that I eat a little something.  When I got to the gig after six hours in the car, I had eaten only a Slim Jim that Ray bought me while I was pumping gas, and I was ready to gnaw off my own arm.  When Ray and I got to the hall and introduced ourselves around, the first thing they did was walk us over to the hors d'ouvres buffet and instruct us to help ourselves; there were spicy chicken wings, mini quiches, potato wedges, clam strips, Italian style meatballs, and my favorite thing by far, jalapeno poppers.  As a comic, any time you get fed, even something simple as fried appetizers, it's really a show of hospitality that we're not used to, and goes a long way towards keeping the morale up.  Isn't sharing your food around the nicest thing you can do for someone?

WWW.RandMcnally.com, the website that I use to navigate when I'm going to parts of the country that I'm not real familiar with, almost caused a disaster for me today.  The directions that it provided got us to the proper exit of the expressway, but directed us to turn right instead of left, which would have sent us careening away from our destination like the Phantom Zone criminals in the plate glass window from Superman: The Movie, but the booker, Matt Jedynak happened to come up behind us in his jeep, and we were able to follow him to the venue with no fuss or muss.  Divine intervention occurs once again on the Ralph Tetta Comedy Roadtrip.

Last but not least, a short sidetrip past the Mohegan Indian Reservation and casino revealed gas prices at $2.47, $2.57 and $2.67.  I thought the gas was supposed to be cheaper on the reservation!  This is getting ridiculous with the gas prices...I always said, if Social Security ran out of money before I retired, I was going to douse myself with gasoline and light myself on fire, but now I can't even afford to do that!  I don't care where you stand in the politcal rainbow, be it red, blue or some shade of purple in between, we must elect representatives who will bolster our economy and bring fuel prices back under two dollars a gallon....if things keep going the way they are today, every product that we buy that is transported by truck, train or plane is going to carry a fuel surcharge in the buying price and it's going to hurt even worse than we can possibly imagine.  Vote your wallet in 2006!  And if that doesn't work, maybe we better start impeaching leaders with a bullet in 2007...that'll get some pens rolling and some ink flowing.

But hey, I'm just a comedian....wouldn't want anyone to think that what I write here is serious....it's all for entertainment value only.  Let's keep Ralph off the F.B.I. "nut" list!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting

Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting                            803

Saturday, April 23, 2005-2:56 A.M.

Will wonders never cease....I ran down to the Comix Cafe, my home club and alma mater, and stumbled into feature work for the evening.  And not just any feature work, but opening for Aries Spears from MadTV!  The first show, I experimented with my set, which was dumb, because I wound up having a soft show, and even though it was O.K., it wasn't O.K. by my standards.  The second show, I did my set the way I do it every night when I'm on the road, and it was much more pleasing.   I had a couple of very nice comments after the show, which is all I could ask for.

I'm completely physically drained now, having done the two shows after dealing with my daughter's stomach virus all day.  Plus, I got into a verbal argument with a guy over Long Island Iced Teas in the bar....he wound up smashing a glass table candle and a fragment hit a girl and cut her....very uncool.  He was a drunken schmuck.

Tomorrow, Connecticut.  Keep your powder dry.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

The Letter

The Letter                                                    798

Thursday, April 23, 2005-2:27 P.M.

Today is absolute living hell....Harmony's still sick, not even keeping liquids down.  We have some prescription medication for her that I got today, BUT IT'S LIQUID!  Where am I going with that?  Thankfully, our backup baby doc called and counseled Pamela and myself and we should have a healthy baby in a day or two, provided there aren't more serious problems.  Makes going out of town tomorrow all the more stressful, knowing I'm sticking Pam with the brunt of a semi-crisis situation.  Kids get sick, but this is the first time for us and we're new parents, and rightfully scared and worried.  We don't want to do the wrong thing, even if that is nothing, which is what we were basically told to do.  "Let the fever and stomach virus run it's course" sounds good on paper, but in practice, just feels like parental neglect.

In the good news department, I just got an e-mail missive from Mark Jabo of the Comedy Block Party (which I participated in last night).  I pass it along for your perusal and to give props to all involved:

Hey all,

Thanks and props to everyone for an excellent show last night...

Wow.  Rockin' the house in the East End.  Thought we had our strongest show to date top to bottom.  Thanks to everyone for being not only funny but also so much fun to work with.  We're trying to create something really unique and special downtown and nights like last night are the foundation that we'll build on.

Block Party party favors go out to...

Matt (Rohr) - Always cool when somebody comes up before the show and hits you with one of your own lines ("Hey, it's Mr. Right Before!")...Mr. Right Before should be Mr. Right On - your tireless efforts at promoting the show were a big reason everyone got to perform in front of a good crowd last night...thank you for your help, advice and web skills....I missed "slightly more complicated mac"....

Jim (Meisner) - Enjoyed having you...thanks for making the trip in from Buffalo...maybe we can even do a fundraiser to get you a new mattress...had a blast seeing you for the first time and hope you'll join us again soon...

Ralph (Tetta) - A pro's pro...you have been a friend of the show since we started and I thank you for that...I've seen you a bunch of times and I always enjoy your stuff...thanks for hanging with us...if word of the Army retirement plan gets out we may have to switch to a draft from an all-volunteer army....

Marianne (Sierk) - Sparkling as usual...the spinning bit was brilliant....thank you, too, for hanging in there and coming back...hope it's the start of a long and beautiful fully attended relationship....

Josh (Wade) - Thanks for stepping to the plate to reveal that the Pope is really a vampire...guess we won't be seeing garlic flavored communion wafers anytime soon...thanks for bringing us home strong and striking a blow for cell phone etiquette....look forward to seeing you again in a couple of weeks.....

Thanks again to everyone for bringin' the funny last night.  Our goal is to build the most comic-friendly room we can...a place where you can hang out and try new stuff in front of a smart, fun and appreciative audience and a place where we can hang out with great comics who are also great people  Nights like last night are the start of something we hope will be really big and really special in the East End.  Glad you're all a part of that.

A special thank-you this week to Matt Rohr.  Matt has been absolutely tireless doing all kinds of behind the scenes stuff to promote and run the show.  He also is responsible for getting a website up in record time.  We all like to perform in front of a full crowd.  That we were able to do that last night is largely a result of Matt doing all kinds of stuff behind the scenes.  Thanks, man. 

 

Rockin' in Rockchester,

-Mark

PS - Matt, if you get the chance, could you forward this to Jim Meisner - I don't have his email address.

 

I thought it was kind of Mark to send out such a nice e-mail, and I wonder how many other employers do the same sort of recognition.  It helps morale to know you're appreciated, doesn't it?

Let somebody know today that you appreciate your good work.  Pamela, you are a wonderful mother to our child, and I couldn't live without you (at least not as happy!).

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

Somebody Call Me A Doctor

Somebody Call Me A Doctor                                     796

Thursday, April 21st, 2005-1:04 A.M. (Friday morning, technically)

What a wonderful week it's been, spending time home with my lovely wife and daughter; everyone's sick, there's some sort of flu or cold going around, and we got it good.  Harmony's been running a fever, so of course, as new parents, we're freaking out about it, but a visit to our pediatrician today put our minds (mostly) at ease.  Babies are little miracles...they can run temperatures that would kill most adults, or at least leave us dehydrated, and twisted into knots in our beds.

I did a show tonight at Milestones for the Comedy Block Party, and it was a lively affair with Matt Rohr kicking things off, Buffalo's Jim Meisner in the second slot, yours truly alienating and causing discomfort to the audience in the coveted third spot, and then the lovely and talented Marianne Sierk batting clean-up, and Josh Wade from NYC closing it up.  It was a fun show all around, I decided to veer away from my "tried and true" material and go wacky with some new stuff, including a small dollop of Bush-bashing political material up front.  Go figure, there were some righties in the room, including a guy who looked like Dick Cheney.  I was happy to point that out, and then later, Josh told him he looked like the new Pope.  This guy got no love.  Hey, point blank, what the hell are you doing in Milestones on a Thursday night, old dude?  'Cause Matt Rohr gave him and his family free tickets to the show, that's why!  Attaboy, Rohr!

I stopped into the Book Rack on West Henrietta Road yesterday, and picked up the new Justice League of America comic....they've really got me on the hook with a 7-part story pitting the JLA against the Crime Syndicate of Amerika...the evil duplicates.  They've always been my favorite bunch of bad guys, because they basically come from a planet full of bad and evil people, so they don't even know they're evil, they're just going along with what's accepted.  It's a whole new angle on the good guy/bad guy thing, and they're written with just a level of evil that is deeper than anything you've ever seen, it's captivating to see how far the writers take these characters.  For a comic-book-head like myself, it's the ultimate high, and it's been going on for the last six months!  The best part is that next month when the story arc concludes, a new arc begins which pits Batman agains the rest of the League.  Apparently, at one point in the League's history, they lobotomized some super-villains to help in their rehabilitation, and Batman didn't want to take part, so they erased the part of his memory where the lobotomies were performed, and those memories were recently restored, and now he's out for vengeance!  I can't wait....it's going to probably take me into this Christmas by the time the arc is complete, and I'm totally psyched.  The nice thing about being a touring comic is that I always have time during the day to go to the local comic book shop, wherever I am, and pick up the new issue of whatever titles I'm reading.  Right now, it's JLA, Exiles (a group of alternate-reality X-Men) and The New Invaders (World War II era Marvel heroes set in modern times).  Hey, a little arrested development never hurt anybody!

O.K., I'm gonna go make sure Harmony Rose is settled down to sleep, and Pamela Ruth isn't on deathwatch for her.  Tomorrow should be improved conditions for everyone involved.

Rest easy, take Vitamin C, and be healthy.  Then tend to someone you love.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY