Already Gone

Already Gone

Thursday, March 31, 2005-9:31 A.M.

I'm off to Spring Lake, Michigan today, and then on to Wisecrackers comedy club at the Raddison in Merrillville, Indiana.  I'm not looking forward to either gig, because Spring Lake is a very rednecky town when it's not tourist season, and while the weather is pretty nice this weekend, it's still not what you'd call tourist season.  The gig in Merrillville is o.k., the hotel is beautiful, but the club is run by a bunch of corporate drones who establish policy in a defacto sort of  way, and the club is really a hospitality afterthought, even though no one staying at the hotel goes to the club, it's all locals.  But if you've seen the movie "Office Space" or read a "Dilbert" comic strip, you know how useless it is to try to explain something to corporate types who already have their minds made up.  Ultimately, I'm happier to be working than not, but the whole reason for getting into comedy is so that it never hurts to go to work.  Today, it hurts.

I have no friends.  My wife was working yesterday, and I was on baby patrol again, and I had a hankering for dinner (real dinner, not something that was handed to me through my car window or something that I cobbled together in the kitchen, although I cobble pretty good) and I couldn't think of one person to call to go with me.  Actually, that's not true....I couldn't think of one person who was in position to go with me.  All my friends are comics, and they were either out of town, working at other money-making endeavors, or ironing out personal problems.  Either way, I came up dry, and wound up taking Harmony shopping, and ate a Burger King meal on the way home.  I'm definitely taking a vacation, just because the food's better than working another week on the road...I subsist on meals behind the wheel way too much than I should, but that's the nature of the beast.  I have a 480 mile drive today, I can't afford to sit down and take a lunch break for fear of not making the gig.

Speaking of not making the gig, I gotta go.  Don't forget to set your clocks forward one hour on Sunday night, and don't look at it as losing an hour, look at it as the blessed arrival of Spring, renewal and rebirth.  By Monday, you won't even notice that you're still tired.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Vacation

Vacation

Tuesday, March 29, 2005-5:49 P.M.

My life has turned itself inside-out with the inclusion of a baby into the mix.  Now it seems that when I go on the road to my never-ending comedy tour (the work days) it's more like a vacation because I'm away from house work, errands, and the constant attention that my daughter needs.  I'm ashamed to say that I don't feel like I have the energy to adequately give her what she deserves...play time to me is letting her scoot all over the bed or letting her examine and chew on whatever favorite toy she has at the moment, and I lay there like an invalid, only moving when she gets dangerously close to falling off onto the floor (too big a drop for lil' baby).  I want to read to her and spend time, but she's at the age where chewing on books is more satisfying than looking at the pictures, so it just drains me.

Yesterday on line at the post office, I was holding Harmony in my arms and I got into a conversation with a young man behind me.  He asked how old Harmony was, and when I told him she had just turned one, he told me he had two daughters of his own, and one more on the way.  I couldn't even imagine!  He also observed that Harmony only had one shoe on, and added "It's probably in the car," which of course, is exactly where it was.  The funny thing is that before going into the post office, I had just put that shoe back on her, but she managed to get it hooked on the child safety seat as I was lifting her out.  Thanks again, velcro.

So today, among my house-husband duties while my wife is working at the Eastman school preparing for the opera, I managed to fill in another week of work for myself this year, with a booking at the Funny Farm comedy club in Broadalbin, NY.  I'm down to ten open weeks, and I think I'm going to take one or more of them off as a vacation.  I haven't really had a week off in about eight years or so, and I think that my wife deserves my time and attention.  I don't know if we should travel somewhere, but I think Pam might enjoy that.  I fiddled with the idea of getting U2 tickets for Toronto or Cleveland and taking her on a weekend excursion, but that would entail leaving the baby at home and imposing on someone for a whole weekend, and I don't think Harmony or mommy and daddy are ready for that, not to mention the caregiver who steps up and volunteers.

In other news, I took my 1996 Toyota Corolla in to Jiffy Lube for an oil change, and was told by the staff that it didn't have any oil in it!  I think the oil reserve must have been low, but that's the benefit of using a full synthetic...you can run the engine low on oil and not be so concerned about blowing the engine.  I splurged on an engine flush, too, and was out in less than half an hour.  You can't be too careful with your car maintenance when you're averaging 1,000 miles a week.  Comedians do so much driving, we should have sponsorship stickers on our cars like the NASCAR drivers....more people would see them than NASCAR, too.

OK, off to play with the baby.  Or take a nap.  Whatever you want to call it.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

Running On Empty

Running On Empty

Sunday, March 27th (Easter), 2005-1:16 A.M. (Monday morning)

I got back home today from my mini-tour of Michigan.  Big Rapids turned out to be one show only, and it was very well attended and the crowd was very good.  Afterwards, the restaurant manager treated headliner Jimmy Rascal and myself to dinner, which consisted of grilled pork chops, garlic mashed potatoes and cinnamon apples.  Their hospitality level was very high in Big Rapids; they wanted to please the talent with the free food, free booze, and no-hassle cashing of our paychecks (that's always nice).

By contrast, the Saturday in Cadillac was less than ideal.  Upon check-in, the desk clerk at the hotel portion of McGuire's Resort told me that reservations had not been made for me....I understand that happening, but the comedy show was going to take place under the very same roof...you'd think someone would have mentioned it to the front desk staff...."Oh, by the way, we're having a comedy show with two out-of-town comedians...should we provide them with lodging or let them sleep in their cars?"  Then, the show took place in a little banquet room, and I knew the show was going to suck because there weren't any lights.  They had the room lights dimmed to a nightclub level, but there was no light on stage.  When I see that, I automatically know that the venue has no idea what they're doing.  I talked to the General Manager of the facility earlier in the day when I was trying to check in, and the vibe I got was that comedy was an up-and-down proposition for them, and later I found out why.  Comedy isn't the kind of thing that just happens, like a joyful lunchtime song and dance number by the Fame kids that starts with one kid tapping pencils on the table, and other kids joining in one-by-one.  Comedy has to be orchestrated, from music in the room before the show to provide some sort of ambiance (there was none in Cadillac) to some sort of a greeting at the door, and a seating plan (there was none in Cadillac) to proper sound, lights and staging (I guess we covered this).  Then there was the cashing of our paychecks.  We received them, no problem, from the night desk auditor, but he wouldn't cash them.  After about a ten minute conversation, suddenly the money was available.  I hate being jerked around for no reason, y'know?  And I hate taking checks from comedy clubs, because I'd beenscorched once on a check and I swore to myself "never again."  It's a different story if the bank's open the next morning and I can go cash it there, but on the weekend, everything's closed and all bets are off.  Just shut up and gimme the fuckin' money.

After the show, Jimmy and I went out to find some food (no comped meal in Cadillac....not even an employee discount) and I got pulled over by a cop for doing 37 mph in a 25 mph zone.  After running my license and finding out I'm the cleanest driver in New York, he let me go with a verbal warning, no ticket and no fine.  I am grateful, but in my defense, I was going the same speed as every other car around me, except I was doing it with New York plates in Michigan.

So it took me about eight hours to drive home today, and I made it in time for a nice Easter dinner with my wife's family, which consisted of a nice corned beef and cabbage with all the trimmings.  It occurs to me now that it's not the traditional Easter dinner, I was so hungry it didn't even register that this was more of a St. Patrick's day feast, and I should have been eating ham.  Regardless, my wife's a vegetarian, which pretty much makes me a vegetarian (Thanks, Jules), so whenever a piece of meat gets plunked down in front of me (especially a good corned beef, slow cooked in a crock pot with onions and carrots, etc), I don't ask a lot of questions.

I knew about dinner, so I didn't really eat on the way home.  I didn't want to fill up on fast food garbage, when there was good grub waiting to fill my gullet.  Consequently, I started to feel really tired and weak on my drive home.  Luckily, I found a books-on-tape copy of "The Testament" by John Grisham at the Kent Library that was for sale for two bucks, and that kept me focused on my drive home and made the eight hour trek a little more tolerable.  I'm halfway through the recording, and it's a riveting little tale.  I can't wait to get back on the road to hear how it ends.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Old Man

Old Man

Friday, March 25, 2005-11:55 A.M.

My Comedy Roadtrip finds me in Grand Rapids today, last night was an engagement in Rockford, Michigan at the Crazy Horse Saloon.  I was working with my good friend, Mark Knope (pronounced kuh-NOPE), who happens to be the first headliner I ever worked with for the Funny Business Agency (the company I am working for this week).  We had a great show, there were over 225 people in attendance, and everyone seemed to have a great time.

After a quiet Denny's breakfast after the show, I retired to the Grand Inn for a good night's sleep...I was bushed after only getting about five hours of sleep, having got to bed late preparing for this weekend...packing clothes, printing out driving directions, and stocking up on copies of my CD, Original Gagster.  They only take a couple of minutes each to burn, and a couple of minutes to label, but by then, you're talking an hour of sleep time sacrificed.  I slept right up to my 10 o'clock wake-up call.

I needed a haircut badly this morning, so I tried a hairstylist across the street from the hotel...I was almost up to the door when I saw the sign "Women and Children's hairstyles."  No mention of large Italian men or monkeys.  My second try was a Supercuts in the very next plaza.  That place had a 45 minute wait.  The third time was the charm, though, when I found in the same plaza a barber shop called the Yankee Clipper.  A good, old-fashioned barber shop with old guys talking sports, and the news playing on a color TV that was doing really well with the greens but not too well with the reds or blues.  The kind of set where you turn it off, and there's a white dot in the middle of the screen for about two minutes.  The kind of set that's seen all the Super Bowls, the first moon landing, the inaugaration of at least eight Presidents, and the shooting of two.  I got a good, old-fashioned haircut.  From a girl who was about 22 years old.  Not that I'm complaining,  The two old guys working with her looked competent, but old guys' hands shake, and I like my ears the way they are....not bleeding.  Regardless, I have what I call an "old man" haircut...lots of razor on the sides and short on the top.  Even though my hair grows really, really fast, this one's gonna last 'til the end of Summer.

Tonight, it's off to Big Rapids, but first I must find lunchables.  There's a couple of Chinese buffet restaurants on the same street as the library where I now type this entry, the Kent District Library (www.kdl.org), so I might try one of them out.  I have two shows tonight, and one tomorrow, so this is turning out to be a pretty good week.

Have a very blessed Easter weekend, or Passover if you prefer.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

Scenes From An Italian Restaurant

Scenes From An Italian Restaurant

Wednesday, March 23, 2005-2:48 A.M. (Thursday morning)

Tonight I played the beautiful Cucina DiAmore in Liverpool, New York (near Syracuse).  March Madness at the Carrier Dome and lousy weather threatened to cancel our little comedy show, but we pressed on anyways (after rounding up all the guests in the lounge and forcing them into the showroom).  Our host was comedy magician Bob Burr, and there were two guest spots, Jay (Sorry I didn't catch his last name) and Dave Kelly.  Driving home in the snowstorm was the least fun part of the evening...the crowd turned out to be small but appreciative, a combination that is handy in sex and, as luck would have it, comedy.

Tomorrow, a 460 mile drive to Rockford, Michigan awaits me.  Then, the drive to Big Rapids, Michigan and Cadillac, Michigan are only about 45 minutes each the next two days, so even though it's a one-nighter run, it's not complete torture.  Last year, I did a run through Kansas, Arkansas, Iowa and Michigan that lasted five days and took 3,600 miles to complete.  I like to torture myself once a year with a run like that to keep myself honest and to keep from getting "rock-star head."  My ego is big enough without thinking that I'm really something in this comedy business.  My drive home on Sunday is going to be about eight or nine hours, so I'm going to miss Easter, but we didn't have big Easter plans anyway.  I should be home in time for my wife and daughter and I to go out and have a nice dinner somewhere.  We live simply and don't ask much, so the time together out at a restaurant is precious.

On a more somber note, I watched the first 20 minutes of "Saving Private Ryan" last night; I'd never seen the movie, but heard about the opening scenes of the movie and their depiction of the D-Day invasion during World War II.  I have to say that I was moved to tears, and after seeing what America's "Greatest Generation" went through, I am embarassed by the soft, candy-store life I led as a youth, buoyed by the freedom that my Grandfather's contemporaries paid for.  Spielberg did an excellent job visually depicting the horrors of war, and even though I'd read about the invasion in history class in school, nothing brings it to life like actually seeing it on screen.  I watched it while my baby daughter slept, my wife was out of the room checking e-mail on the computer, and I sat in the dark slowly heaving sobs that became so heavy that my chest started to hurt.  What price have I paid for my freedom?  For my country?  I know it's just a movie, but it stirred something within me that I will not be comfortable with until it can be addressed.

The Declaration of Independence declares that we are endowed by our Creator with certain unalienable rights, and chief among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness, but if the right is just endowed, then it doesn't have to be earned.  Liberty has to be earned.

Enjoy your liberty today, and give a little thought to the men and women who laid down their lives to purchase it.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

You Can't Always Get What You Want

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Monday, March 21, 2005-1:47 A.M. (Tuesday morning, really)

Weekend recap of my continuous comedy tour, which I'm thinking of calling the "Feed My Family" tour, because I want a cute name for the tour like the rock stars get.  I performed last night at the Rochester Comix Café with Steve Burr and Ray Salah and it felt good to get on the old stage and really just goof around and have fun.  However, unlike my usual hosting tendency when I used to run the joint, I actually stuck to my time, to the surprise of everyone in the back of the room.  My favorite line of all time germaine to my overtime antics was contributed by one Steve Burr a few years ago when he said, "Remember the time we had to bring in the Sun to give Ralph the light to get him offstage?"  I know I'm mangling the original wording, which was brilliant, and is the perfect roast joke if I ever get a roast.  I've been watching the Jeff Foxworthy roast on Comedy Central and it looks like great fun...I wonder if I could get a roast-type show at the Cafe?  We could do a yearly event for charity, and roast a local celebrity.  Ah, well, I can continue to dream.

Today I went to our pediatrician's office with Pamela and the lovely Harmony Rose.  Harmony had three shots for mumps, rubella and the like, and a blood test for lead poisoning, which I guess is pretty routine.  I love our pediatrician because she had a baby just a few months after we did, so she's very sensitive to our experience, and it's fresh and new to her, rather than just being textbook knowledge and whatever pediatric field work you have to go through to become a doctor.  I hope I didn't just make that sound trivial, but again, I'm saying that Dr. Wirt is really good and makes me feel comfortable when I bring my daughter in for a checkup.

Taco Bell fucked me again...same location as the other night, but this time, I paid for a drink I didn't get because I asked for Diet Pepsi and they were out. The drink didn't get removed from the order, so I got nothing, and paid for it.  Even more annoying than paying for something and having it prepared improperly, I say!  So I threw the horns on them....that's a good Italian curse, also known as the malocchia (mal-AWK-ya), or evil eye, which if applied correctly, will cause someone's lawn to turn black, a boil to appear on their ass, and their business to fail.

Here's to your green lawn, your boil-free ass, and your prosperous business, gentle reader.  Thanks for dropping by.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

 

Still They Ride

Still They Ride

Sunday, March 20, 2005-3:10 A.M.

Just got home from the lovely House of Comedy Club in beautiful Niagara Falls, Ontario. Tonight's show was pretty good, I did 50 minutes with only a slight lull towards the three-quarter mark of my set where I was trying to decide which way to go.  I was kicking myself in the car on the way home because I left out a chunk that I should have opened with (cue the mad scientist music "How could I have been so blind?!?) but that's o.k.  Everyone seemed pleased overall, and they want me back.  It's actually very nice to work and then be able to drive home in less than two hours and sleep in your own bed.

This week coming up I have a long string of one-nighters, starting in Liverpool, New York (near Syracuse) and then three nights in Michigan including Rockford, Michigan (I've performed here a couple of times....I either rock the room or leave them staring...no in-between) and then the towns of Big Rapids and Cadillac, two uncharted territories for yours truly.  I'll make decent money, but it's back to the grind and getting in the car and going.  In some small way, the motion keeps me alive, and I like it, and when I get time off, my body shuts down....I sleep more, get sluggish, and my energy goes to hell.  Still, I wish there were more structure.

I was working this week with a young guy named Ary Van Eyk, a funny guy who I had the chance to pal around with a little bit.  We got to talking about the standup game, and what it has to offer and we bounced some different ideas off of each other.  He's got a friend who is a budding filmmaker, and Ary wants to get some video projects going.  That's kind of what I'd like to do....I have some ideas for projects away from standup comedy that I'd like to work on, two different book ideas, and two different CD ideas, one a kind of "radio theater" type thing with "audio plays," and the other, a spoken-word sort of a thing.  Henry Rollins is one of my heroes, and I love the way that his spoken-word stuff borders on standup comedy, but also is moody and has a point.  I'd like to do some of that sort of thing, I've been writing gonzo poetry for years now, and I play bass guitar, and I'd like to combine those two voices into something organic.  It might be the kind of thing that college radio would embrace, and maybe it would open some doors in the college market.  That would be cool, because colleges pay good money....I know, because when I was in college, I was the guy that paid the comics.  We had Nick Di Paolo and Henry Cho on campus the year that I was involved...it was a great experience being on the activities board as a young comic back in 1989. 

TacoBell screwed up my order tonight.  Insanity is described as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, like going to Taco Bell and thinking "they'll get the order correct tonight" and knowing in your heart that you're an idiot, and your wife is depending on a lovely, vegetarian-friendly seven-layer burrito, and damn if you get it home and it isn't filled with spicy beef, which a seven-layer burrito should never have.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY