Mountain Song

Mountain Song                      7035  (253)

Saturday, March 3, 2007-1:00 A.M.

Please send me back to Canada.

I finished out the week in Ottawa at Absolute Comedy on Sunday night, and then packed up and headed home.  I got crushed by a snowstorm blowing off the east coast of Lake Ontario, but luckily the plows were out in force and cleared the roads enough that I didn't feel like I was gonna die every step of the way.  After two days off, which didn't turn out to be two full days, either, it was back on the road again.

I hosted the open mic at Comix Cafe on Tuesday, and let me tell ya, it was definitely rugged in spots.  The lowlight of the evening was a guy who none of us had seen before who insisted on being introduced as the Man of 1,000 voices, and he proceded to do hardly any impressions whatsoever.  He also made the mistake of walking around the room before the show and interjecting himself into conversations and just generally being obnoxious (not a good thing to do in a room full of comics).  We had a performance from a disgruntled guy who won a previous open mic contest at the club but never received a prize for his troubles, and he called out the club owner during his set, even though the owner is in Aruba.  Good luck with that, my friend.  Way to get yourself banned from the only club in town, ya douche.

Bright spots included the return of Mike Ruiz, who took advantage of some of his time off to write some new material, and also an appearance by Danny Viola, an old comedy buddy of mine from way back in the 1980's, who is getting back on the comedy horse.  Pat Duffy also turned in a good performance, but I cut the list off at 12 performers to prevent the show from becoming a Bataan Death March of comedy...this precluded the inclusion of some of the latecomers who play that game that they will show up late to avoid having to go on early in the show, before the crowd is "warmed up."  It's a cheap move, and the reward from now on is you aren't getting on.  A kid tried coercing me into putting him on later in the show because his friends weren't coming until later, and I told him to hope for a large number in the draw, or trade with someone.  He wound up getting #9, which worked out for his purpose.  See, you can enforce the rules and nothave to be the bad guy all the time.

I was going to leave for Tennessee right after the show, but I was too tired to pull it off, so I went home and got some sleep.  I got up around 4 AM and hit the road shortly after 5.  I was worrying about weather going through Erie, PA, where the winds off of Lake Erie usually bring lots of snow, but everything was cold and clear and the roads were salted and dry.  I fueled up at the Hess Mart up the street from where I live, and I lamented to the cashier as she was loading up the case with fresh Krispy Kreme doughnuts that I wasn't allowed to have them.  She informed me, "But they're kosher!"  I guess she made me out to be a little more Jewish and a little less diabetic than I really am.

I made it into Pigeon Forge, Tennessee around 5 PM, and I felt weary from the long drive and short night's sleep.  A 45-minute nap, a shave and a shower brought me up to speed, but nothing could prepare me for the show in Sevierville, Tennessee.  The folks were as nice as could be, but I guess they turned off to me after I called them rednecks.  Which to be honest, confused me, because they refer to themselves as rednecks all the time.  I didn't know the "N-word Rule" applied to hillbillies, but I guess it does.

Now, if you've never been to Pigeon Forge or any of the Smoky Mountain region of eastern Tennesse, I can describe it like this....Tennessee decided they wanted to have a Las Vegas, so they built one for themselves.  It's a VERY touristy area, with theaters and T-shirt vendors, fast food restaurants, steakhouses and buffets by the dozens, flea markets, thrift stores and wax museums without number, amen.  The club, the Triple C, was only in their second week of doing comedy, and I shared the bill with Big Ed Caylor, a Comedy Zone headliner and helluva nice guy.  I met him in the lobby of the hotel we were staying in, and he had already been to the club, so I followed him.  The Triple C was so far away from the hotel, I felt like I was back in Rochester again!  Anyway, he put on a great show, but at one point, I turned to Joel Pace (one of the agents from Comedy Zone who was hanging out to help get the fledgling comedy venue off the ground) and said, "His accent's so thick, I literally didn't understand a word of that last sentence he said."  Joel laughed, and I'm sure that there are certain things I say on stage that make the southern audiences crook their heads and think, "What'd he say?" but that's just a hurdle that I'm going to have to figure out if I'm going to continue working in the southern United States.

Thursday in Prestonsburg, Kentucky was fun, as always, and I was working with headliner Robert York.  Robert and I had just worked together in Charlotte, North Carolina, and he's always cool to hang out with.  He's a top road dog comic, and puts on as many miles as I do in a week, if that's even possible.  This morning, I was going to help him out with some transportation because he had to get some car repairs done, but he managed to find a place right near the hotel here in Charleston, West Virginia, so it didn't matter that I overslept and got a late start.  I wasn't in a hurry, but still managed to draw my second speeding ticket of the year, this one in Kentucky.  It also counts as my fifth ticket in the space of fifteen months.  I've been doing the road full-time for almost six years now, and only recently am I having problems with the officers of the law.  I don't think I'm doing anything differently, but I am driving a white car rather than my old periwinkle Toyota Corolla (R.I.P.), and I guess I look more guilty in it.

When I got to the Ramada Charleston, West Virginia, home of the Comedy Zone, I noticed that they were tearing up the joint with renovations.  It turned out to be a good thing, because they moved the comedy show out of the old room (which was terrible) because it was filled with building materials.  Instead, they put the show in another adjoining room, which was just the right size for the crowd that showed up tonight.  I met Melissa, the manager of the club, in the lobby as I was hauling my luggage in, and she showed me the room where the show was going to be held, and the stage and tables hadn't been set up yet.  I asked her where in the shoe-box shaped room the stage was going, and she told me it was going way in the back.

Now, since I've left the employ of the Comix Cafe as a club manager, the most difficult thing for me to do is to mind my own business when I am the booked entertainment at another venue.  I've been told that I'm just an employee and that it isn't my sandbox and I should keep my mouth shut, but I always hated the Charleston Comedy Zone's long setup, because I feel that the people way, way, way in the back are disconnected with the show and have a tendency to chit chat through the show, which makes it tough to perform.  I convinced Melissa that putting the stage on the side wall and setting up tables around it in a horseshoe actually made the small room intimate, with every seat being a good view, and actually made it easier for her serving staff to dish out the drinks.  Well, if the setup had been a problem or the show sucked or I got yelled at because I was wrong, I guess I wouldn't have gone to the trouble of telling you this story.  The fact of the matter is that it worked great, and even though as a peformer I had to pan from side to side to include everyone into the performance, everyone loved the show and Robert kicked ass and I got a couple of applause breaks and we sold a butt-load of merchandise after the show, in a room where merchandise sales for me have always sucked.  I'm glad that I opened my mouth when I did.

Tomorrow we have two shows, and I'll probably stay mostly put here in the hotel room.  I somehow managed to leave my hair mousse at the last hotel, so I have to go get some more, but there's a 7-11 two blocks up the road, so I'll get some there and then just hang out.  I searched out a comic book store today, Cheryl's Comics & Toys, and picked up some new stuff I'd been wanting, so I have no shortage of reading material to keep me busy.  I'm going to have to get some rest, too, because I have to dogleg it back to Rochester overnight to make it to a benefit show I'm doing on Sunday.  The gig's at 2 PM, but I don't actually go on until 4.  I'll still want to get there early to get the lay of the land, even though I'm only doing 15 minutes worth of material.  The show is at Nazareth High School, exactly 1.7 miles from my house...it is quite possibly the shortest distance away from home that I've ever performed.  I got my friend Julie Donofrio to volunteer her services, so she'll be going on earlier in the show, and they also have some musical performers getting involved.  I feel good when I get to do these types of things, because it makes me remember what comedy was like when I first started, when I would get up in front of any audience and it wasn't always about the money.  Sometimes I feel I've lost that giddiness about my chosen profession, and I want it back badly.  I want every show to be an event, and not just another day at the office.  If I wanted a day job of drudgery, I would have stayed in grocery or stayed in school and became a lawyer, as my plan A formerly dictated.

Blessings and peace to you all, my friends.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Iceman

Iceman                               6997  (215)

Sunday, February 24, 2007-4:30 P.M.

Well, there's only one more show left to do here at Absolute Comedy before I get heading back home, which I understand is getting their fair share of snow due to a winter storm.  The shows this week have been great and I've been flourishing in the MC spot in the Canadian system.  I was worried about "fitting in" with what the crowds expected, but it's been going great and there's been minimal backlash against me being an American....if anything, I've been treated as some sort of an oddity and a commodity and been getting comments about my "accent," which I think is hilarious.  The crowds like me and the staff has been awesome.

I've been sort of a homebody this week because it's been hellacious cold, and I'm not scared of the cold, but there's nothing I really need that isn't within walking distance of the condo.  There's a dynamite little deli around the corner called Di Rienzo's that makes excellent sandwiches and has all the groceries you could need, and one trip there has pretty much taken care of me for the week.  Also, the condo is outfitted with wireless internet, so it's been a little too easy to just veg out and troll the internet as a substitute for actual real-life experiences.  The one thing that has been a hassle is staying in touch with Pam back home because the cell phone roaming charges to Canada are ridiculous.  We've been using the phone here and the house phone back home because we have a really good long distance plan, but that's not as portable as cell phones and Pam has her hands full with Harmony, so instead of three calls a day, we've been making do with two calls every three days.  Needless to say, I'm as homesick as I could be.

I've been sharing quarters with Kevin Gasior, whose name I've been pronouncing more French as the week goes on, and even though he's from Montreal, he's actually Polish.  Kevin's a full-time working comic and a good guy, and we've been having a great time talking business, comparing and contrasting the Canadian (specifically, Montreal where he's from) and American systems.  The headliner, Rick Currie, is from Ottawa, so he hasn't been around meaning neither Kevin nor I had to suffer the indignities of the pull-out couch in the living room.  Rick's been great to work with and he's a really clean, clever comic, and earlier in the week, Jason, the owner of the club, informed me that he likes to book a variety of comics on his bill, and it was my place to be the "dirty" guy.  Well, I'm fine with that, but it was a little funny to me because nobody's ever quite said it to me that way before.  Tony in Niagara Falls told me that part of my appeal in his opinion was that my act is so unexpected because upon first seeing me, you don't imagine that the shocking things that I say will come out of my mouth.  I prefer to think that any sort of smut that I do is playful enough, and I've been toning it back a notch to fit in with the show.  I'm still the dirty guy, but I'm not hitting them over the head with it.

I'm looking forward to tonight's show, but it will be bittersweet because I've had such a good time here in Ottawa that I won't want to leave the company of the crew that's been so nice to me, but I'm only going to have a couple of days at home before I have to leave again for Tennessee, so I'm going to have to get heading as soon as I can.  I've got about 4 1/2 hours home tonight, depending on the weather, and the show gets over about 9:30, so I should be on the road by 10:00 and home around 3 A.M.  It's actually nice being this close to home for a change, I don't think I'm going to have that luxury again for a little while.

Please be safe wherever you are, and talk to you later.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

Who Do You Love

6963  (181)   Who Do You Love

Thursday, February 22, 2007-10:30 A.M.

I have been miserable about keeping up with this blog, so much is happening right now.  I promised an update when I got to Dover, Delaware, and of course that didn't happen, so now I'm wracked with Catholic guilt.  Well, I'm in the lovely condo in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, and taking advantage of the wireless internet they have here, and I'll get you caught up as best I can.

My sister left Dad's house down in Florida and checked in via e-mail with my brother and me after she got home.  Dad tried walking and actually was able to get up and walk to another chair about four feet away, and then he got brave and tried to move around with my mother's help and wound up falling down.  Hospice brought him a walker to use, but he doesn't seem so keen on using it.  I think he's afraid he'll go down again, and who could blame him for being scared?  A chaplain visited him last week and spoke with him and even though he's never been so concerned with the matters spiritual, he was open to discussion and I thought that was good.  This is a tough journey for Dad and everyone around him that loves him, and he's getting a good amount of visitors which I think is terrific, because he was always a very private person when I was growing up, not so prone to houseguests or entertaining, and I know in his heart, he loves attention as much as anyone but was prone to social awkwardness, which I seem to have inherited in some small way.  I am so thankful that my sister made the trip and I imagine she'll be making another one before I get a chance to go in May.  Dad needs to be around family as much as possible, I think, to make this transition comfortable.  And frankly, I feel like a jackass talking about death as a "comfortable transition," but I don't know if I could cope otherwise.  It's definitely tough for me to handle and accept, and I'm trying to just do the best I can between being concerned for my father and keeping up my day-to-day business.

As far as the tour goes, last week Dover was a trip.  I played at the Dover Downs Hotel and Casino, and it was great from beginning to end.  I rejected my printed driving directions in favor of instinct and wound up in the 'hood section of Dover...I have an uncanny ability to find the worst sections of a city the first time I visit; one time my I went with my father on a delivery to New York City and he wasn't sure which way to turn and I said "turn right" and we wound up in Spanish Harlem.

So I'm driving through the hood and I found a comic book shop, and I went in and got some comics and directions, and come to find out I wasn't too far off base.  I drove up on the hotel and there wasn't any parking that was even close, so I opted for the valet treatment (I was exhausted from the 7-hour drive) and they parked my car and took my bags up to my room....at last, the star treatment that I deserve!  I grabbed a nap and got ready for the show, which turned out to be awesome.  Usually casino shows can be a drag because you're playing in front of a comped crowd who's tired of losing at the slots, so they go take a break to get some ha-ha's, only they're not in a very good mood because they lost their ass.  Not so here at the Comedy Zone, it was an actual pay-at-the-door show, and not only that but they packed the place and it was great!  I started out with cleaner material because the crowd was a little older, but I didn't get my first good pop until I did some blue stuff, and then they went wild.  Well, that was the end of that.  I had a strong show after that and had a lot of good compliments after the show.  After the show, Chris Wiles and I went and got something to eat, and then I showed him the nickel slots.  They didn't have my current favorite, "Deal or No Deal" so I sat down at a Monopoly machine and promptly won $33.70.  That may not seem like a lot until you figure that it's 674 nickels!  And let's face it, I'd rather be a small winner than a loser, big or small.

The next day was a short drive down to Salisbury, Maryland and I spent the day lounging around the hotel like a bum.  I actually don't even remember what I did, but I do know that at one point I had the entire contents of my shoulder bag and luggage spread out all over the bed and bureau, and I think in my fevered mind, I was actually going to figure out things that I could eliminate or pack better to make it lighter.  Long story short, it didn't happen.  I have gotten a lot better in my packing habits for road trips, but I still think there's room for improvement.

The show at Salisbury at the Bottle Factory was a disaster for me.  The audience were talkers, and they tagged every punchline with a comment of their own, which just threw my timing all to shit.  They call their community "Delmarva" because it's the crossroads of Delaware, Maryland and Virgina so I tried to customize a joke to them...I talk about going to South Bend, Indiana where they call it "Michiana" because it's on the border between Michigan and Indiana, and I say that we don't do that anywhere else in the country....I've never gone down south and had someone say "Welcome to Tennesucky!"  Well, apparently, they do do that elsewhere, because this community does it, it's just not as well known.  Well, from there, the floodgates were open and all they wanted to do was talk to me and tag every joke with insipid comments.  One guy got in an argument with me about being a life-long Cleveland Browns fan and when I basically called his team cellar-dwellers, he started bringing up NFL championships from the 50's, shit like that.  It was surreal.  I tried treating them like educated Northeasterners, but they wound up being a bunch of dumb rednecks.  Quite a few people gave me nice comments on the way out, and I was actually funny from time to time during the set, but nowhere near what I expect from myself.  It was chilling for me and even the owner of the club had warned me what to expect beforehand and paid me with no reservations, I felt guilty taking the money because I really didn't feel like I did my job.  I'm still at that stage where I throw a show in the dumper once in a while, and even though it's fairly infrequent, it still feels dirty and horrible.

So now I'm in Ottawa, and was raring to go all week to have a good show and wash the stink off of me from Maryland.  I was supposed to host open mic at the Comix Cafe on Tuesday, but I got a flat tire and had to spend the evening at Dunn Tire getting two new hoofs for my trusty steed, actually my wife's trusty steed.  I got up early and did some housework before packing and heading out, a little nervous about crossing Canadian customs with my working papers.  I had different estimates from anywhere between 20 minutes to an hour, and the whole process took about 10 minutes total.  My paperwork was in order and there were no problems, except I forgot to hit the currency exchange, leaving me with no money for meals or tips. 

Wednesday night is Pro-Am night at Absolute Comedy, and I wound up drawing the closing spot.  A very funny comic named Carrie Gaetz was the mc, and we wound up bonding after she screwed up my intro early in the show, forgetting my name and calling me "Mr. Tetta," like that's gonna bother me....90 minutes later, we were the only two people in the room who remembered it.  Anyway, some of the comics were good, and none of them were really bad, and I had a good time doing the pal-around thing.  One of the comics, a kid named Brett, was doing his last set before leaving for Australia, and about everyone in the room was there to see him.  Afterwards in the bar, there were a huge group of lesbians who I think were Brett's co-workers, and they were drinking like sailors and being quite bawdy, and Jason, the club owner, was hanging around with them, and at one point, one of the most severe butches gave him a tounge kiss and dipped him like a bitch.  Like a true comic, he hammed it up but I think I would have thrown up in my neck a little bit if I was him.

So now that I've had a good night's sleep and caught you up on things, I'm about to go to the bank to obtain some coin of the realm so I can enjoy a semi-regular existence here in the Frozen North.  I have the condo to myself until the other comic or comics get here, so I'm also enjoying my privacy until that comes down.  Until then, it's curling on TV all day and drinking milk from the carton if I want to.  Hooray!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Gimme Shelter

Gimme Shelter                       6908  (126)

Friday, February 16, 2007-6:00 A.M.

I'm awake and I don't wanna be.  It's probably best that I am though, I got a long row to hoe today.  And it takes me through the worst ball of red tape ever created, the Washington beltway, which just happens to wrap itself around the second worst ball of red tape ever created, the federal government.

I'm doing a run for Comedy Zone this week, which started in Newport News, Virginia.  The drive was about 10 or 11 hours, and I wasn't planning on leaving until darkness morning on Wednesday, when I started noticing weather reports about a big winter storm coming to hit Upstate New York.  Not wanting to get caught in bad weather, I kissed my wife and daughter about a dozen times and loaded out of the house around 4 P.M., just an hour before the storm was due. 

I drove through New York State down into Pennsylvania with little difficulty, and then the snow started to fall.  It made the roads a little slick, but salt trucks and plows were already out, even though they were only poised for action in a lot of places, not wanting to salt the roads only to have a few inches of snow fall on them and spoil their work.  I soldiered on through Harrisburg, PA and then made my way south into Baltimore.

Now, by this time, the roads were complete bullshit, and I was managing only a top speed of 40 miles per hour, and most of the time less than that.  I made my way around Baltimore, determined to put Washington, D.C. behind me, which is hard to navigate through the perpetual rings of traffic on the outer beltway at the best of times.  I got into D.C. around 1 A.M., tired but still awake thanks to a sugar-free Red Bull I pounded at a truckstop just outside of York, PA.  The roads were fine going through Baltimore and most of Maryland, and by D.C., a freezing rain had started to fall which was more like sleet and started to really pile up on the roads.

I called ahead to a Motel 6 that I knew was in Fredericksburg, Virginia, figuring I would bed down for the night.  The desk clerk told me there were vacancies, but there was no way I was going to be able to fish my Visa card out of my wallet to make the reservation while I was driving, and even though it was only 30 miles to the hotel, that was still an hour away due to the road conditions and I needed to keep driving.

When I got there, the desk clerk checked me in, handed me my key and sent me away.  I drove to the end of the building and humped my bags up the stairs (my pet peeve is hotels without elevators....I'll walk the stairs but I can't hardly do it with the four bags I carry), and made my way to room 235.  I slid my key in the lock, opened the door, and the deadbolt caught.  For a second, I was considering trying to push the bolt open, obviously it had slid itself into place and was stopping me from opening the door.  A freezing rain was pelting me in the back, it was 3 A.M., and I needed sleep desperately.  When the resident of the room called out to me from the darkness, I realized the desk clerk's mistake, called back "Sorry, wrong room," and started humping my gear back down to the end of the building to get a new room key.

Now, this is inconvenient at best and dangerous at worst.  If the resident of the room had a gun, he could have easily assumed I was some sort of brigand out to rob him in the wee hours of the morning, after all, it's Motel 6 and not the Waldorf-Astoria.  When I opened that door, there was plenty of clearance that he could have put four bullets into me and not even been a very good shot.  The desk clerk didn't seem to be very apologetic, and he issued me a new key for a room two doors down from the old one.

Now, my customer confidence had waned pretty badly at this point, and I almost decided to lean something up against the door to warn me of interlopers, but I was too tired to configure such a Rube Goldberg safety device, so I just put the bolt on the door and passed out on the bed.  I slept well and the bed felt like angels carrying my body to Heaven, it was that good, even though it was just a garden variety full size hotel mattress that probably had carried many a call-girl, prom date, construction worker and unfortunate traveller through the night.  Not the same night, I don't think, but that's a movie script right there, isn't it?

The next day, I popped my head out of my room like a groundhog, hoping to see my shadow but mostly to check and see what the roads looked like.  It was almost noon, and the roads were plowed, salted and looking good.  I checked out, pled my case with the manager about my misadventure the night before, and he was largely unmoved, or moved to just before the point where he was willing to give me any cash back for my troubles.  He should have been thankful, because it's only by the grace of God that he didn't have to call my wife that morning and tell her about her dead husband because his asshole night auditor couldn't keep straight what rooms in his glorious fleabag had customers in it or not.  Needless to say, when I get clear of this weekend, I'm going to be contacting the main office about this, and I will be interested to hear what they have to say.

I started driving the two hours to Newport News, making my way down into Richmond and then southeast towards the Atlantic Ocean, and the snow and ice that was piled up on the sides of the road slowly receded into nothing.  If I had driven just another 30 miles the night before (which would have killed me, I'm sure), I would have made my way out of the weather and had dry roads the rest of the way.  To know exactly how I felt, read the short story "To Build A Fire" by Jack London, and when you get to the end, that's exactly where I was.  I've never given homework for my blog before, so this is definitely a first.

The gig was at the Omni Hotel, a beautiful 5-star facility.  I settled into the posh room with two huge beds.  Each bed had at least eight pillows on it, I kid you not.  The pillows were of various sizes and I built a fort, but Julie the hospitality expert at the front desk wouldn't come up to play with me.  I made my way down to the gig and it went very well, I didn't have an mc, so I played with the crowd a little bit, then went into material and cleared the way for Miss Gayle, a headliner out of Pittsburgh, PA.

The club treated me very well, paying for my meal and drinks and cashing my check on the premises.  They really did it up nice, and we were actually only the fourth show they had ever done.  I'll be interested to see what the amenities are like a year from now, if they continue to do comedy.  I sure hope they do, it was a great room with perfect light and sound, and being as that it was Valentine's Day and there really were no couples to be found in the room, they had a nice crowd.

Last night was Lynchburg, Virginia, a three-hour jaunt back north and to the west.  I worked with Chris Wiles out of Winston-Salem, North Carolina.  I'd never seen him outside of his regular gig at the Greensboro Comedy Zone, and he did just fine.  The show was in a small bar/restaurant called Big Lick Tropical Grill, and even though they didn't have a very large crowd, there was certainly enough people to work, and they enjoyed the show and bought way more CD's from me than I would have imagined.

After the show, Chris decided to drive overnight to beat the Washington D.C. quagmire as we are working together again tonight in Dover, Delaware and then Saturday in Salisbury, Maryland.  I looked at the map and decided to take my chances today, noting that there is a small road that will take me south and east of D.C. and over the Potomac River into Maryland without getting involved in the beltway or it's legendary traffic jams.  Also, the show isn't until 9 P.M. tonight, so there's some wiggle room to be had.  I set myself a 7 AM wakeup call today anyway just to be safe, and beat that by an hour and a half, so I'm going to get rolling soon.  I'll check in again from Delaware when I get to where I'm going.

Thanks again for reading me.  I don't know if I ever thank my readers, many of you are close friends and many more just drop by out of curiosity, but this journal has been read almost 7,000 times on AOL since I initially started and many more times on MySpace and ComedySoapbox.com, and I appreciate every single view.

If you are in the Northeast or Midwest United States, I hope you're handling the weather well.  For the rest of the country, I know it's been unseasonably cold, so bundle up and take care of yourselves.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Long Cold Winter

Long Cold Winter                    6864  (82)

Monday, February 12, 2007-11:45 A.M.

Here in Rochester, the snow's falling....not like it's falling in Oswego, NY, if you've read anything about that, where they got record snowfall.  It's pretty, but it would have been nice for Christmas instead of now.  All it's doing now is making travel difficult, and making the sky grey and depressing.

I got home Saturday night from the casino tour, safely and by the grace of God.  I like the north country of Michigan, the people are nice and it's oh so rustic, but it's far away and it's so cold that salt doesn't work on the roads, so they spread a salt/dirt mix and you never know which little ice patch will rocket you into the ditch by the side of the road.  And you don't want to find yourself in the ditch up in the U.P. (Upper Peninsula) because there's no cell phone signal to call AAA, and even if there was, it would be hours before they'd find you.

Thursday afternoon after typing my last entry, I checked into the Kewadin Casino hotel in Sault Ste. Marie.  I remembered the place from last year, when I played it in March.  I got all of my bags into my room and went downstairs to the box office to collect my check...it's the main casino of the three, and they pay you for all three nights then and there.  I cashed my check at the cage and didn't have to go through the casino rigamarole of getting a player's club card because I did that last year and they still had me in the system.  I cashed my check and went right over to a "Deal Or No Deal" slot machine and played for about 15 minutes, winning just shy of eight bucks.

I headed over to the buffet to check it out, because they were providing a comped meal for the comics, and I had just eaten but was planning on having dinner later.  I chatted with the girls working the cashier's station, and one lady was actually from my neck of the woods.  She had taught school in a Rochester suburb for about 17 years and returned to the UP when her mother took ill.  It always surprises me when I meet someone who lived in Rochester in a far-flung location, like somehow we're not supposed to leave town and I'm something special because I do it every week.

The show was o.k., packed with college kids and mostly male, so my relationship material was a waste of time and I compensated by being extra dirty which seemed to play well.  As it was a young drinking crowd, merchandise didn't move for shit, which didn't surprise me in the least.  I chilled out after the show, called home and then watched TV until I could get to sleep.  I brought a George Pelicanos crime novel to read (he's excellent, you should check out his stuff...."King Suckerman" was my first [thanks Mike Dambra for the excellent suggestion] and I picked up a couple more at a used book store....he's popular, so they're hard to come by) but I couldn't focus on reading because I was still amped up from the show, so I did the USA Today Sudoku puzzle until I was ready to drift off.

I was worried about the drive to Manistique, Michigan the next day, but the roads were surprisingly clear.  Route 75, the main artery through Michigan, was crappy and the side roads turned out to be mostly clean.  I drove through towns that were little more than a gas station, cemetary and grove of pine trees, towns with names like Raco, Eckerman, Hulbert, Newberry, Germfask, and Blaney Park.  I got to Manistique just a few minutes earlier than Carol Pennington, my partner in crime for the week, and they sent us to a hotel off-site because the casino in Manistique is too small to have a hotel.  It was an Econolodge, but it was the best Econolodge I've ever seen.  They had wireless internet (thank God) and the room I was in was *huge*.  Carol's room had a jacuzzi!  The casino really spent the money to put us up, but in real terms, they probably made that up in about 15 minutes.

I headed off to the casino early for the show to enjoy my comped meal.  The restaurant had a seafaring motif, and it was Friday, so I sailed with the herbed, almond-crusted Tilapia.  It was good, and probably healthy, although I'm not the first person you should ask about that sort of thing.  Carol joined me later, and a few minutes before showtime, I walked across the casino (small place, took about a minute, if that) to the showroom.  The showroom was largely empty, and that's how if twas to stay throughout the show.  We flopped around on stage like fishes.....if a comic tells a joke and there's no one there to hear it, is it still funny?  Well, I'm here to tell you the answer is "no."  I was saved by the fact  that there was one table of four who were actually listening, and then a couple of working-class guys at the bar who were listening, but not looking toward the stage.  I wound up sitting next to them and shooting the shit for a few minutes.  Carol did her thing and then got the hell out of there, and I decided to give "Deal Or No Deal" a shot.  Only problem, the casino only had two of those machines and they were always in use, so I went to an old standby, "Hollywood Squares."  I wound up breaking even on that one after about 20 minutes, so I called it a night, cashed out and went back to the hotel.

There was an incident of sorts at our house Friday night, the police responded to a 911 call that there was a burglary at our house, but Pamela wasn't the one who called it in, meaning it was either our lousy neighbors pulling a prank, or our nice neighbors across the way actually looking out for us.  Regardless, we just had a new door put in that is significantly sturdier than the old one (good thing) so if there was an attempt, it was unsuccessful.  Pamela described the incident to me as very disconcerting, especially when four cops met her at the door with guns drawn.  I felt awful hearing the story, considering I was 700 miles away and really couldn't do anything.  I was seriously thinking about trying to make the 11-hour drive home overnight, but that wasn't happening since the gas stations were all closed and I didn't have enough to make it to the Mackinac Bridge.

I got four hours of sleep and hit the road, taking it slow as not to evoke any unnecessary speeding tickets and made pretty good time, leaving at around 8:20 in the morning and getting home at just after 7 PM.  It was good to be home, and now I'm just trying to shake my Winter doldrums before I have to leave again for Virginia.  This week, it's Newport News, Lynchburg, and then Dover, Delaware and Salisbury, Maryland.  I've done Newport News at Cozzy's before, but this is a Comedy Zone room.  I'm not worried about the competition issue because Cozzy's really hasn't had me back in two years or so.  The last time I went, I didn't make the Friday show because of a huge accident in Washington, D.C. that crippled traffic and left me sitting there.  I called in way in advance so they could get a substitute, but I guess my reputation is damaged enough that they're thinking "no thanks."

So I'm looking forward to the relief from the snow, and maybe that's not good, because I have Ottawa, Canada to look forward the week after, and I'm sure it's colder than a banker's heart up there and buried, as well.  We'll see.

As Gaye from Comedy Zone signs off all her e-mails when she sends itineraries out, May Rays of Sunshine and Happiness fall down upon you, or some happy thing like that.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Nantucket Sleighride

Nantucket Sleighride                 6845  (63)

Thursday, February 8, 2007-1:30 P.M.

Hi.  It's been a week since I've written, I know, but I've been busy and depressed....those are two interesting balls to keep in the air, but I've learned how to be a pretty good juggler.

I left my Dad's house last Thursday about 2:20 in the afternoon, and a light rain had begun to fall.  Nobody knew at that point that it was the telltale sign of a tornado about to hit my parents' home town.

I drove through the night and made it to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania around 20 minutes to 6 in the morning.  It piss rained the whole way, and I was definitely worn out when I got there.  The hotel didn't open until 7 AM, so I got breakfast and waited.  At 7, the hotel didn't open so I got a paper and waited, and fell asleep.  Around 10:30, I was able to get someone from the restaurant to check me in....the club in Harrisburg is a big steakhouse/banquet facility/motorlodge sort of place.  It's nice having everything under one roof, but only when you can get in under the roof instead of sleeping in your car.

My sister and brother both called me to inform me of the tornado that I just missed at Mom and Dad's place, and that they were both o.k.  I slept about 3 hours and started getting ready for the early show.  I was working with headliner CeeJay Jones (www.CeeJayIsFunny.com) and mc Joe Zimmerman.  We had a lot of fun, four great shows, and my friends Jared and Cindy came up to visit Friday night.  We did the hang around thing and I did something I usually don't do....I slept over Saturday night and did the drive on Sunday.  It was only five hours, but I didn't relish being in the car anymore or any sooner than I had to.

It seemed like a blink of an eye before I had to get packing and get heading out again, but that was just yesterday.  I hit the road shortly after 7 AM and started off towards the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, which is where I am now.  It's bitter cold and the roads are plowed in a piss-poor manner, but that may just be because snow is blowing over the roads and then everyone has a truck and they tramp the snow down, turning the road into an ice-rink.

Last night was St. Ignace, Michigan at the Kewadin (keh-WAY-den) casino, the first of three Kewadin casinos with headliner Carol Pennington.  We performed for about 60 folks last night, many regulars and a good number of casino employees.  When I played this place last year, the casino was a little hut, and this year, it's a palace....I guess the house must be doing pretty good.

I'm poaching internet right now, parked in the parking lot of a Best Western and using their wireless signal.  They had wireless at the casino yesterday, but it was a pay plan and I'm still hurting from my first speeding ticket of the year, so I'm saving my nickels and dimes where I can.  Saturday is a drive home day after my tour through this wintery wonderland, and I'm gonna try my damndest not to get blown off the Mackinac bridge.

More to report later, stay warm wherever you are.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

I Walk The Line

I Walk The Line                            6783  (2743)

Wednesday, January 31, 2007-2:45 P.M.

Well, I have one more day with my father and mother down here in Florida, and so far, things are going well, except for the fact that Dad's in pain a lot more than I would like to see.  Mom's doing a great job of tending to his needs and she's very strong and the fact that she hasn't unraveled yet is a testimony to what she's been through, from years of tending to my father's mother who lived with us for years, and then her own parents' bout of failing health which eventually became terminal.

I've been doing what I can, fetching this and that to make Dad comfortable, telling him jokes (so far I'm an amazing 20 for 20....I guess I've got him pegged pretty good after all these years) and I wish laughter was the best medicine, but apparently this morphine/ether/heroin combo they've got him on is just a little bit better.  I think comedy clubs are missing the boat selling alcohol....they ought to be selling painkillers.  Hell, even open mike would be funny then.

Yesterday, we had two nurses visit, one in the morning and one in the afternoon.  The one in the morning was busting my balls about being a northerner and being used to the cold that is gripping Florida right now.  It's really only in the 30's, but that's damn brisk compared to what they're used to.  The woman identified herself as a true Floridian and I said "What are you, an orange?" and that got a little chuckle.  For the most part, no one here is actually from here....last night in Panera Bread as I (unsuccessfully) tried to check my e-mail using their wireless internet, a table of folks next to us were having a conversation and one of the guys mentioned he was from Rochester, and that got Mom's and my attention...we wound up chatting with them for a few minutes as they left the place.  Down in Florida, it's big fun when you meet someone from your neck of the woods, even though practically everyone down here is from Upstate New York, Chicago or Detroit, with smatterings of Pittsburgh and Philly thrown in for good measure.

We tried to get Dad to lay down on a bed today, and he was alright for a little while, and then the pain in his back from the tumor that's taken up residence on his spine started shouting at him, and he begged to go back to his sitting position on the couch with his heating pad.  He's been sitting there and sleeping there for the last three weeks or so, and last night I popped in a tape of "Walk The Line" for him to watch (he's always been a big Johnny Cash fan, and my lovely wife taped it for him from HBO) and he enjoyed it, but the music put him to sleep like a lullaby.  That was actually good, because he was able to get some sleep finally.  He slept somewhere between 8 and 10 hours, which is the most I've seen in the few days since I've been here.

Before I came down here, I got some great advice from folks who had gone down this road before, and they all said the same thing, which is basically enjoy my father's company, don't concentrate on saying "goodbye," just comfort him and be there for him.  Right now, I'm about to head home, I've picked up the smokes he asked for (no sense in quitting now) and I'll enjoy one more night with him before I take off tomorrow for Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

I'm scheduled to come back to Florida in May and I don't know if Dad will be around then, or if he is, what state he'll be in, so I guess I'm happy that I made the trip this week.  Pam sent me pictures of Harmony and Snax The Cat who he used to take care of for me when I was on the road.  I hope he'll enjoy them (I'm sure he will) and make him smile.  I fear I'm running out of jokes, so I need all the help I can get.

Thank you all for your prayers and best wishes.  On behalf of my father, I appreciate and accept them.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY