Message of Love

Message of Love                                   3462

Sunday, February 12, 2006-2:49 A.M.

"We are all of us in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars...."

They only threw out three tables at the late show tonight....that's good isn't it?

Submitted for your approval, the weekend wrap-up here in Toledo, Ohio, and my week-long engagement at Connxtions Comedy Club; Friday night was pretty tame as far as Friday nights go.  Headliner John Roy, mc Kate Brindle and I were joined by a guest spot kid, Anthony PleaseDon'tThinkIllOfMeBecauseICan'tRememberHisNameAsHeWasLargelyUnspectacular.  He did spots on both shows Friday and the late show Saturday, causing my time in all instances to be shortened.  As it were, I took a low estimation of the youngster, also that he was wantonly ripping of Dane Cook and had all the style with no punchlines to speak of.  Also, he was crowding the merchandise counter as John and I were hawking our stuff, and he had no merchandise but was merely milking the audience for some of that "I'll shake your hand because you were good, too" love.

I stayed up late Friday night and alphabetized all of the comics I brought with me, and found out that I bought a lot of stuff twice...I had a lot of duplicates, which makes me feel bad, as comics are $2.50 each and up nowadays.  I remember (yeah, I sound like my dad) when I used to buy comics back in 1974 for 20 cents, and they went up to 25 cents in 1976.  The jump to 30 cents was 1977, and by 1978, Marvel comics were up to 35 cents and DC decided to go a different route, made their comics 8 pages bigger than the competition, and jacked the price up to 50 cents.

By 1980, the madness had subsided and comics were 40 cents across the board, and then the jumped to 50 cents, 65 cents, 75 cents, and then right up to a buck.  Somewhere in the early 90's, I lost track.  Now they're up to $2.50, and as high as $4.95 in some instances.  It just doesn't seem right, but to be fair, they're not using that crappy pulp paper they used to use...it's all coated, semi-glossy paper, and the art and stories are much more mature.  They're still just comic books, though, and it seems weird to think that they've increased in price 2000% over a 30-year period...I guess I'll be bitching when postage stamps finally jump over $1.00 each...with the advent of e-mail, it's got to be coming in my lifetime (and I'm really not counting on living but another 25 years or so).

So I was up late alphabetizing comics, and I finished my little project, looked at the clock, and it was 6 A.M.!  I slept pretty soundly, and didn't get up until bout 2:30, and by the time I showered and shaved and went out foraging for food, it was 4:30.  I got sent up the street to a Chinese place (not a buffet, but good) and had a nice Hunan Beef, with an eggroll and a bowl of hot 'n' sour soup.  Also, I had the tea, which I almost never do.  Dinner (lunch?  breakfast?  It *was* the first meal of the day) was good, and I had some leftovers, which I took back to the room.

On the way back to the hotel, I saw a restaurant named "Ralphie's," and I stopped in because my father, also named Ralph, likes things with the name "Ralph" on them.  Back when the movie "King Ralph" starring John Goodman was in the theaters, he gleefully snapped up any paraphenalia pertaining to the film, in particular, the New York State Lottery instant scratch-off game tickets called "King Ralph" that were available in conjunction with the theatrical release.  So, knowing that my dad enjoys that sort of thing, and has a birthday coming up in May (he'll be 73), I went in and wanted to pick up some memorabilia from the joint, maybe a take-out menu, some matches, or something nice.  Come to find out, they had shirts with the restaurant logo!  And they were nine bucks!  I got him a nice grey T-shirt with the logo, and the nice servers who were helping me grabbed take-out menus and stuff for me, once they learned what I was up to (of course, I shared the whole story with them).  I find that people are generally very nice and want to help others, especially when you're from out of town and looking to do something nice for your elderly father.

After a quick stop back at the room to put my Chinese leftovers on ice, I went next door to the Maumee Antique Mall.  I had a nice walk, and looked at many old collectible artifacts, including comic books that apparently no one really knew the value of, because they were all priced as though they were signed by Abraham Lincoln, wrapped in gold, and came with a scoop of Beluga caviar.  I did find a couple of "Champions" comic books from the 70's for $2 each, which isn't a bad price.  Plus, I'm pretty sure I don't already have them....o.k., I'm sure about one of them, but I'd rather guess wrong and have two copies then guess wrong and have no copies...I can always give one away to Shaun.

Tonight, it started snowing, and they had been calling for the Northeast to get a good amount of the fluffy white stuff, and it brought the folks out in droves.  First show was very healthy, with only a few empty tables, and the second show was *jammed.*  First show was a typical Saturday 8 PM show, older couples, not real comedy fans but just people who wanted to see a show and decided to come out.  I gave them some of the easiest comedy I had, no real "thinker" type jokes, and they laughed heartily, bought souvenir CD's and DVD's, and I shook many hands.  It's that thrill of knowing that the audience came to be entertained and I was able to serve it up nice for them and exceed their expectations that keeps me going in this business.

In between shows, Kate and I did the pal-around thing, I brought in the zodiac book that I bought and she checked out her combination sign.  The book is called "The New Astrology" and makes up 144 different combination signs by taking your conventional zodiac sign (Aries, Taurus, Pisces, Scorpio, etc) and combining it with the Chinese zodiac sign of your birth year (Dragon, Rabbit, Horse, etc)  Needless to say, she felt that it described her to a "T."  Most people who read their description in the book are floored by how accurate it is, which is why I was so bummed about losing the book.  I loaned it to a co-worker when I was bartending at the Aja Noodle Company in Rochester, and the co-worker left the company's employ one weekend when I was on the road, and I never saw him again to get the book back.  Luckily I found a copy at at thrift store only a few blocks from the hotel, and for only $1.99.  I consider it a fortunate coincidence; I wasn't even planning on going into that store, but I made a wrong turn trying to get to Kinko's and saw the store and decided to go in to look around.  I wound up coming out with three books and a tape copy of Christopher Cross' debut album.  "Ride Like The Wind" is still one of my favorite songs, and that's just because a British heavy metal band called Saxon covered it and I have the 12" single of it.

Second show was a car sliding on black ice headed towards a man on crutches with a blind dog on a leash in one hand and an infant in the other.  It was a disaster waiting to happen.  On the way in, an early-arriving couple struck John and me up in conversation, and it was clear that they were both drunk, he of the quiet, smiling variety and she of the obnoxious, "look-at-me,-I-can't-shut-up" variety.  Amazingly, even though the young lady (o.k., she wasn't that young) tried her level best to interject her voice into my act, but everytime she started to talk from her sixth-row back seat, I started talking fast and loud and just ran over her.  And at the same time, three other tables wound up getting the elbows and knuckles from the club's bouncers because their table talk was disturbing the paying customers around them.  In the lobby, as they were buying my CD's, they all seemed like nice people, but then again, this was away from the showroom crowd, so it was a whole different circumstance.  I wound up moving a few dozen units for the week, the cheaper CD's mostly rather than the DVD's which all of last year and the year before, customers were complaining that I didn't have....Gol-dang-it!

Tomorrow's the six-hour drive home, and I'm hoping the car won't have any major problems, as I was unable to get the transmission serviced this week.  It's job one on Monday morning, and as long as I can make it home, I should be o.k.  I'm also hoping that the weather isn't too intrusive, or at the very least, that the DOT's from Ohio, Pennsylvania and New York are on point with the snowplows and salt.  Otherwise, it could be a torturous trip.  And I believe I've suffered enough.

Happy Valentine's Day to you all, my friends.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Welcome To The Working Week

Welcome To The Working Week                               3443

Friday, February 10, 2006-4:41 A.M.

It's amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it.

For instance, today, I didn't leave my hotel room.  I had foodstuffs in the room, and cooked a variety of meals with my electric wok, kept stuff cold with a nice styrofoam cooler and ice (courtesy of the Red Roof Inn), and communicated with the world via my laptop and cell phone.  It was like I was running an actual business or something.

I sent out avails, the comedy term meaning open dates available for booking, around 8:00 this morning.  I put a call in to Joel Pace at the Comedy Zone and didn't quit calling until I got him on the phone.  I secured three weeks of work with him, and then moved on.  I got dates in Greensboro, North Carolina, Panama City, Florida, and Johnson City, Tennessee, the run where a redneck guy stuck his tongue in my ear on stage in Paducah, Kentucky.  I vowed never to go there again, but apparently that's where the money is, so I'm going.

I got a couple of e-mails back from some bookers who had ones and twos to offer, but the best score of the day came from Ken Muller from Comedy Productions in Sioux City, Iowa.  I sent him a tape a couple of years ago, but the sound was bad (my deck-to-deck VCR system wasn't duplicating the sound very well) and I never wound up connecting with him.  He's still on my list of bookers that I e-mail with avails, and he responded back with an offer to fill my remaining open week in April.  I called him right away, and he gave me the week (a decent paying week, at that) and offered me two more weeks.  I almost single-handedly booked the month of May today (I'm still short a week), and took big bites out of June and August.  By my estimation, I scored over $4000 worth of work in one morning!  Imagine if I really put my mind to this stuff on a regular basis instead of striking oil like Jed Clampett and a random shot.

The funny thing about the Muller discussion was that I sent him a copy of my DVD this week, and I couldn't tell if he was responding to my e-mail because he got it and watched it, or if he was just throwing the work at me because he heard good things from other comics who have worked with me in the field.  He threw a couple of names around which leads me to believe that there are individuals out there who are advocating on my behalf, but he wasn't sure who it was exactly, which means my policy of being nice to everyone is paying off.  I think that being funny may help a little, too.

So I spend the day in the room, working on comedy stuff, updating my AOL homepage with my newly scheduled appearance dates, doing Sudoku puzzles and just killing time until showtime.  I got to the club just a little before headliner John Roy and mc Kate Brindle, and we talked about comedy, career goals, traded stories and anecdotes from other comedians that we knew in common (Jef Brannan, if your ears are ringing, it's not the Crown, I was talking about you, brother....all from a place of love, though).  It was open mic night before the regular show, so my set got cut to 20 minutes, but I still had a good time and sold a decent amount of product after the show.  It amazes me that merchandise sales are good after short sets, I think there's an enormous amount of pressure to introduce myself and make an audience like me in such a short amount of time, and I'm really pushing this week because I want to sell enough stuff to get a transmission service done on my car (there's a Toyota dealership right up the road from the hotel) to minimize the chance of dropping my tranny on the way home on Sunday (or Saturday night, depending on the weather and how rested I feel).  If I do well with the merch on Friday night (2 shows, I think I have a pretty good chance), I can get the work done Saturday morning and breathe easy on the way home.  If not, then I'll have to white-knuckle it home.

My wife Pamela, the brains of our marriage, worked very hard and came up with a bumper-sticker design and a T-shirt design from my act that I may develop into a new merchandise item to offer after shows.  I don't even know how to test-market them, anything I've put out in the past usually sold itself and there wasn't a lot of thinking involved.  I have mixed feelings about offering a T-shirt, bumper sticker, CD and DVD after a show, which is what I would probably do; on the one hand, there are people who are predisposed to wanting a T-shirt over a CD or DVD, and vice-versa; older people generally would want the shirt over the electronic media, and in the South, I also find that the shirt is more popular as well.  Also, a bumper sticker is lower priced, and is often more attractive to folks who want a souveneir but don't want to spend a lot of money (or don't have much to begin with).  On the other hand, it seems a little bit whore-ish (it's a word, look it up) to tote the walking garage sale into the lobby of the club after your set, especially if one or both of the other comics also have merchandise...then it's just crazy.  Bottom line, I have a family to support, and I'm going to do what it takes to provide for them, and if that means toting the garage sale, well then, let the games begin...I'll find a reason to hold my head up.

O.K., I haven't been to bed yet, I think I may have overdone it with the caffeine, even though all I had was half a Diet Coke from before.  Maybe I'm still percolating with the excitement of the day, but I need to get some sleep.

I hope today is fruitful for you, gentle reader, and you get closer to your goals and dreams.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

The Breakup song

The Breakup Song                                                3426

Thursday, February 9, 2006-8:21 A.M.

Good morning from the Red Roof Inn in Maumee (Toledo), Ohio.  I'm here, a scant 370 miles from home, and lucky for it.

My best-laid mice-like plans of leaving and arriving early were sent awry courtesy of my circadian rhythm which lately hasn't allowed me to get to sleep until 4 A.M. each morning, which is inconvenient at best.  I wound up getting up a couple of hours later than planned, and hitting the road at noon, rather than 10:00 A.M. as hoped.

The gist being that for a six-hour drive (which I could shave down by speeding), leaving at 10 A.M. would allow me to roll into town at 4 P.M., time to have a nice nap, shower and a meal before the big 8 P.M. show.  Leaving at noon meant no nap, and no wiggle room for bad weather, traffic or unforseen car trouble.  I didn't anticipate any of these things, but the car trouble thing was on my mind because my AAA membership lapsed and I haven't renewed it (nothing like needing it and not having it) and my "check engine" light has been on...signs point to transmission issues, which due to the high mileage of my vehicle dictates that I need to have the system serviced by the dealer rather than my beloved Jiffy Lube, purveyors of all manner of car care and located conveniently all over the country (they said they could service it, but could not guarantee the work due to the 285,000 miles I previously drove).

So at noon, I hit the highway and sped happily through the metopoli of Buffalo, NY and Erie, PA, on my way through the I-90 corridor towards Cleveland, OH (the most boring patch that Interstate 90 offers) and I experienced a little snowfall in Buffalo, but nothing to be concerned about.  Little did I know that the horrors of lake effect snow, which denizens of the Great Lakes will understand to be hellacious, unrelenting and merciless, were about to be unleashed upon me and my battle-scarred Toyota Corolla.

I rolled into and through Cleveland around 4 P.M., and I was hoping for the best, to beat rush-hour traffic, when the snow started falling.  And when I say falling, I mean a whole winter's worth of the white stuff started coming down and even though my fully-warmed car windshield melted every fluffy Christmas flake as it hit, the cold road just allowed it to pile up, causing slick bobsled tracks with tire ruts cut into them from the vehicle before.  It wasn't long before we were slowed to 10 miles per hour, which with 90 miles to go, I calculated that my trip would take an additional nine hours, putting me in Toledo about 5 hours after showtime.  Plus I had to pee.

Thankfully, the traffic broke and by the time I entered the toll portion of the I-90 in Ohio, the roads were clear of both frozen crystallized precipitation and other travellers and their vehicles.  I shot happily down the road, my "check engine" light cheerfully twinkling back at me from my dashboard like the star of Bethlehem.

I arrived at the Red Roof and checked in without incident (always a plus, in my book...sometimes the club forgets to make the reservation, which I never understood....if you're a comedy club, and you know you have at least two comics coming in from out of town EVERY WEEK, how exactly do you just forget to make the reservations?  I'm not accusing Connxtions, my employer this week, of ever being guilty of this, but with other clubs, believe me, it's happened), and got to the business of showering and shaving and made it to the club with a few minutes to spare of their requested 7:30 P.M. arrival time.  I don't know why they insisted that I be at the club a half-hour early, but the printed itinerary threatened a docking or cancelling if that criteria was not met, so I complied.  When I arrived, the staff sort of mulled around in that listless way that I hate to see, the way that indicates that no one wanted to be in charge, and they all just wanted to go home.  I attempted to be friendly to a couple of them, and one of them was friendly back but not very talkative, and another just walked past me like I hadn't said anything at all, so I just chose a seat in the back of the club and sat quietly until showtime.

A little before 8 P.M., I decided to press my luck and ask for coffee, to get a little caffeine in my system and stave off the effects of a six-hour, bad weather drive with no afternoon nap, and when coffee wasn't available (they offered to make a fresh pot, but I didn't want them to do that on my account), I settled on a diet coke.  As I was exiting the service bar area, comedian Jimmy Hamm, a performer who had appeared in Rochester several times when I was General Manager of the club, whisked past me, and as our eyes met, a recognition sparked, even though Jimmy had changed considerably, his hair several shades darker, his clothing less conservative, and a few pounds lighter all around (I'm sure I looked different, too).  We exchanged greetings and wound up sitting down and catching up with the last couple of years, which for Jimmy included a divorce, a move from Detroit to Toledo, and a radio job.

Jimmy's jocking for KISS-FM here in Toledo, and he's the morning show host and the host of the Wednesday night comedy show at Connxtions, which drew a little bit better than the last time I was here.  We started a little late, but not terribly late, and I was asked to do 20 minutes.  I think I went over, but had no way of knowing because I forgot to look at my watch when I hit the stage.  They didn't flash the light at me, so I figured I was o.k., and after I left the stage I checked with Jimmy and everything was fine.  The set went well, and then headliner John Roy, formerly of Chicago and now living in Los Angeles, had a good show and really made me laugh with his act, which I had never seen before.  He has a good blend of laughs and message, which is something that I really respect...it's exactly what I'm aspiring to do with my show.  After the show was over, we set up our merchandise, and sales were soft, but acceptable.  We had a lot of nice comments, and before Jimmy split, we arranged for me to do a call-in on his show on Friday morning.  We're going to do a prank where I'm going to call in and say that I'm planning on breaking up with my girlfriend before Valentine's Day, and I'd plannned on doing it before Christmas, and then New Year's, and didn't want to be mean but now it's turned into this long, drawn-out thing.  The purpose of the call is to rile up the mostly female listeners of the station and get them to call in and lambaste me about my insensitivity (which of course, most women love).  I'm really looking forward to doing it, I think it's gonna be a blast.

I hit Meijers after the show and picked up some groceries, and I think I'm going to just stay in the room today.  I've got my wok and kitchen stuff, along with a cooler to keep my cold stuff, so I can do some hotel-room cooking.  I might venture out to get some copying done, I have CD's and DVD's this week, but noinsert cards, so I might get that done or just gamble that the ones I have that are completed will satisfy tonight's after-show sales.  Frankly, I can't believe I'm up this early to begin with, so depending on when I wake up from my afternoon nap (and oh, I'm getting one, believe you me), I'll decide whether or not that's a today task or a tomorrow task.  I brought along a box and a half of comic books, which represent the stuff I've purchased over the last year or so, and it all needs to be alphabetized and filed in amongst my main collection.  Several of the books I got are going to be farmed out to my wife's "nephew" Shaun, who has a birthday coming up, so I want to get those separated so the young lad doesn't get stiffed.  And Lord knows, there's nothing better than a big box of comics for your birthday when you're 15.  I'm 39, and that's what I would want.....

I think I'm going to enjoy a nice chilled can of pineapple and a look at this morning's USA today to check out the Grammy winners, seeing as I missed the show last night, and only got to see the finale, which included Bruce Springsteen, Elvis Costello, Dr. John, and some other folks I couldn't identify.  I think Bonnie Raitt was singing backup and playing guitar, but I can't be sure.  Also, I'm pretty sure the Edge from U2 was on stage.

Have a nice day, and get some rest.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

Masters of War

Masters of War                                       3403

February 7, 2006-3:40 P.M.

As chronicled below, I've been in "housekeeper" mode today, doing lots of good, mindless cleaning chores, like laundry, taking out the garbage, doing up dishes, and letting my mind wander.  One of the things I like to do is listen to talk radio while I'm working, it's good background if nothing else, and also if some breaking news event happens, I won't miss it.  This technique allowed me to see the second plane crash into the World Trade Center live on television, unfortunately.  It's one of those minutes I'd trade you in a heartbeat, but I'd probably regret not seeing it....it's the JFK assassination "where were you when it happened" moment of our generation, or at least right up there with the Challenger exploding after takeoff.

So I'm listening to commentary on the White House wiretapping program, and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' testimony to that end, and my mind floats away, and I realize that the current activities of the Bush administration ring familiar, and then I make the connection; these are the events of the 1992 film "A Few God Men" starring Tom Cruise, Demi Moore and Jack Nicholson.

To summarize the film, Tom Cruise, Kevin Pollak and Demi Moore are Navy and Air Force attorneys assigned to the case of two Marines who are charged with inadvertently causing the death of a fellow Marine in a practice that is called a "code red;" a code red being an extracurricular disciplinary action levied upon a fellow who has fallen behind, causing difficulty or dishonor to the others in his platoon.  In this case, a rag was stuffed in the Marine's mouth and covered with duct tape, which while meant only to scare the Marine into catching up with the rest of the platoon, to stop slacking, actually caused his death.

Code Reds do not exist in the handbook of military conduct of the Marines, it is a hazing, a discipline outside of the law, deemed necessary to keep the quality of the troops up to snuff by any means.  It is also illegal, and therefore, unspoken to preserve it's effectiveness.

Currently, this storyline parallels what's happening in the Bush White House today.  J.T. Walsh's Colonel Markinson, the subordinate to Jack Nicholson's Colonel Nathan Jessup, commits suicide rather than testify to Jessup's wrong-doings.  Is it far-fetched to draw a line to the resignation of Secretary of State Colon Powell?  Powell lied on the floor of the United Nations about WMD's, and calls it the biggest regret of his life.

How about Nicholson's tirade on the stand, when asked for the truth?  "You can't handle the truth!" he wails, continuing with "Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinburg? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to."

Could this very well be the thinking, the rationale of a man like Bush, who had decided that his authority is preeminent, and above question, and that his end very well justifies his means?  It's scary sometimes how life imitates art rather than the other way around.

Luckily, the film ends with Tom Cruise's Lt. Daniel Kaffee goading Jessup into admitting his breach of law on the stand.  My question is, how can we get Bush, or Cheney, or Alberto Gonazales on the stand, Donald Rumsfeld, Karl Rove, Paul Wolfowitz, or any of the conductors of this heinous war to testify, and stoke their arrogance to the point when they will slip up and admit the horrible truths?  That we do wiretap innocent Americans, that we torture captured enemy combatants, that we went to war with a predisposition to attack, and not to "defend" our nation, that the President knew about 9/11 before it happened, and God help us, may have orchestrated those events to usher us into the Middle East, that the current price of oil is a reward to the oil companies who contributed mightily to Republican campaign funding?

The level of corruption, lies and outright swindling of the American people has reached levels that make Richard Nixon look like Dwight Eisenhower.  Where is our Tom Cruise, our Daniel Kaffee, who can look Bush in the eye and stare him down and make him admit to his grievous sins, for which the Christ to which he so ardently claims to worship will most certainly judge him with terrible wrath?

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

The Pretender

The Pretender                                                3400

February 7, 2006-11:07 A.M.

Well, it's been exactly one year since I started blogging here on AOL.  In that time, I've garnered 3400 page views.  I'm pretty impressed; in lieu of actually having a webpage (which I really have to get on the stick about), I've received a lot of attention, which I guess is good when you're in showbizness.

I woke up early this morning, my wife was up late doing crafting, and when she came to bed, she woke me up, then the baby woke up, and I had to get the baby to go back to sleep by playing "Baby Einstein" DVDs over and over.  It worked, and now everyone's sleeping but me.  I leave for Toledo tomorrow, so it's actually good that I'm up earlier than usual, I got some housework done, laundry and preparation for going away for four days.  I also got Joel Pace from the Comedy Zone to answer an instant message, but so far, no bookings out of him.  I work for them quite a bit, but I got canceled out of Jacksonville, Florida last year and never got the week replaced, and I want to go there.  I was there once, and it's a nice town.  Also, the manager of the Greensboro, North Carolina room likes my stuff and wants me to come there three or four times a year, so I'm trying to get a return date.  It's hard dealing with Comedy Zone because they're so busy all the time, you have to get them at exactly the right moment or you get told to call back about half a dozen times, and it can get to be demoralizing.  Still, I've never had any problems getting what I needed from them once I got through, so I guess it's worth the effort.

I'm an avid Air America listener, and I just found out that WKBW in Buffalo picked them up....I always have a problem when I'm leaving town because the WROC signal here in Rochester fades as I head west, and then there are no Air America stations for quite a distance....just another case for picking up sattelite radio, but until then, at least I have "terrestrial" options.

We got a bunch of snow here in Rochester yesteday, and it seemed to have all fallen in less than an hour.  They're calling it an inch of snow, but I hate that measurement system....it's predicated on melting the snow!  I want to know the actual depth of the snow, which in this case, is a few inches...it's that light, puffy "Christmas" snow that's easy to shovel and just makes everything slippery....a slight nuisance, really, unless you're an out-of-towner who doesn't know how to drive in snow.

I made some dynamite crab salad yesterday....I used that imitation crab....until yesterday, I didn't realize how "imitation" that stuff is....it contains less than 2% crab!  It's flounder with red paint!  Still, the salad was good.....I found out that the ingredient I'd been missing all this time was "Old Bay" seasoning, which is predominantly celery salt and cayenne pepper.  Still, it was great, and with some wheat mini-pitas, it made a really nice dinner.  I washed it down with diet ginger-ale, and then enjoyed an evening of doing nothing, and taking all night to do it.

O.K., I'm tired now.  Maybe I'll append this journal entry if anything exciting happens later, so keep checking back.  And thanks for reading!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Philadelphia Freedom

Philadelphia Freedom                                                           3371

Sunday, February 5, 2006-12:46 A.M.

Well, I wrapped up another Saturday night with two great shows, courtesy of my co-stars, Maria Walsh of NYC and headliner Buddy Fitzpatrick from the great state of New Jersey.  We really complimented each other, and I think the shows were some of the best I've been a part of in a long time.

Last night's one show was excellent...I sold quite a few copies of my CD and DVD, and tonight's sales really paled by comparison, but I made enough money to underwrite the gas it took to get me here and home, and didn't have to dig too deeply into the profit to eat, so that makes it a successful weekend, as far as I'm concerned.

I went out today for lunch, and there are two shopping malls directly across the street from the hotel.  One of the malls has an Old Country Buffet (a personal favorite of mine), but it literally was a 35-minute wait to get inside and get a table.  There was a line!  I never saw such a thing.  It was piss-raining, too, which made getting around a little tough.  Here in eastern Pennsylvania, you can't make a left turn *ever.*  They have these "jug handle" exits where you go off a ramp to the right, and it swings you around in a perpendicular angle to the road you were just on.  It ok once you get used to it, but when you miss a jug handle, it's a bitch because you have to drive all the way up to the next one.  I hate that.

I'm getting ready for the big 5-hour ride home, and I'm not excited about it, but it has to be done, and better later than sooner.  It's almost 1 AM, so I'll be rolling back into Rock-Town around 6 AM.  I'll sleep, and maybe later in the day, I'll watch the Super Bowl, but to be honest, I'm not too jazzed about the matchup.  Everyone down here in Philadelphia Eagles territory are actually pulling for the Steelers, which I think is gay.  If anything, pull for the Seahawks, because you don't want to throw bragging rights to the other side of the state...I was driving through Philly a few years ago, and the Eagles were kickingthe Steelers ass, and the Philly faithful were loving every minute of it.  There wasn't a car on the street, everyone was either in the stadium or at home watching the game on TV.  Don't give up on that spirit now!  If the New York Jets or Giants were in the Super Bowl, I'd root for whomever was playing them....I'm a Buffalo fan, so screw the other two teams in New York State.  As a matter of fact, the Giants don't even play in New York, they play in New Jersey, so let their team plane go down in a fireball and cook marshmallows on the embers.

Capish?

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Allentown

Allentown                                               3353

Friday, February 3, 2006-2:47 P.M.

I'm in Allentown, PA, at the Ramada Inn (actually, this is the town of Whitehall), home of the Allentown Wisecracker's comedy club.  I came in last night about 2 A.M., and did the radio station promotion this morning with Bearman and Keith on WZZO.  They were amicable guys who basically let me come in and shanghai the whole show.  I badgered every caller, questioned every guest, and somehow took over every discussion with my personal opinion.  They loved it!  Hopefully, my wit will draw some folks out to the club tonight 'n' tomorrow.

One of the best callers was a guy who chimed in about a local case of a student who was being censured because he refused to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance at his school.  The caller took the position that "...if he was my kid, I would have kicked his butt, slapped his head and put him on a mule out of town."  Bearman and I jumped on him like a Baptist on a sparerib at a church picnic...I told him that our soldiers who fought and died for our freedoms (his words) fought for the freedom to dissent, and as long as the kid sat quietly and wasn't disruptive during the Pledge, he was totally in line.  Keith was right on time with the patriotic music in the background, and this guy spun a 180 like the Dukes of Hazzard at a police roadblock.  It was fun to take some self-important bastard and rip him to ribbons for being wrong, instead of being that guy for a change.

The show's at 9:00 tonight, so I have a few hours to kill.  I'm going to try and hit the post office, do a little mall-walking and have a nice dinner.  I'm probably not going to go to the movies, although there's a theater right across the street.  Movies suck today, and that prompted me to go to the American Film Institute and look up their Top 100 films of the 20th century (yeah, I've got that kind of time) and I ranked them chronologically (yeah, I've got that kind of time, too) to see how many of them I've actually seen.  Here's the actual list:

American Film Institute’s Top 100 Films (Chronological List

1910’s

44. THE BIRTH OF A NATION (1915)

1920’s

74. THE GOLD RUSH (1925)

90. THE JAZZ SINGER (1927)

1930’s

54. ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT (1930)

76. CITY LIGHTS (1931)

87. FRANKENSTEIN (1931)

43. KING KONG (1933)

85. DUCK SOUP (1933)

35. IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT (1934)

86. MUTINY ON THE BOUNTY (1935)

81. MODERN TIMES (1936)

49. SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS (1937)

97. BRINGING UP BABY (1938)

4. GONE WITH THE WIND (1939)

6. THE WIZARD OF OZ (1939)

29. MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON (1939)

73. WUTHERING HEIGHTS (1939)

1940’s

21. THE GRAPES OF WRATH (1940)

51. THE PHILADELPHIA STORY (1940)

58. FANTASIA (1940)

1. CITIZEN KANE (1941)

23. THE MALTESE FALCON (1941)

2. CASABLANCA (1942)

100. YANKEE DOODLE DANDY (1942)

38. DOUBLE INDEMNITY (1944)

11. IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946)

37. THE BEST YEARS OF OUR LIVES (1946)

30. THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE (1948)

57. THE THIRD MAN (1949)

1950’s

12. SUNSET BOULEVARD (1950)

16. ALL ABOUT EVE (1950)

17. THE AFRICAN QUEEN (1951)

45. A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE (1951)

68. AN AMERICAN IN PARIS (1951)

92. A PLACE IN THE SUN (1951)

10. SINGIN' IN THE RAIN (1952)

33. HIGH NOON (1952)

52. FROM HERE TO ETERNITY (1953)

69. SHANE (1953)

8. ON THE WATERFRONT (1954)

42. REAR WINDOW (1954)

59. REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE (1955)

82. GIANT (1956)

96. THE SEARCHERS (1956)

13. THE BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI (1957)

61. VERTIGO (1958)

14. SOME LIKE IT HOT (1959)

40. NORTH BY NORTHWEST (1959)

72. BEN-HUR (1959)

1960’s

18. PSYCHO (1960)

93. THE APARTMENT (1960)

41. WEST SIDE STORY (1961)

5. LAWRENCE OF ARABIA (1962)

34. TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD (1962)

67. THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (1962)

26. DR. STRANGELOVE (1964)

91. MY FAIR LADY (1964)

39. DOCTOR ZHIVAGO (1965)

55. THE SOUND OF MUSIC (1965)

7. THE GRADUATE (1967)

27. BONNIE AND CLYDE (1967)

99. GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER (1967)

22. 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968)

36. MIDNIGHT COWBOY (1969)

50. BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID (1969)

80. THE WILD BUNCH (1969)

88. EASY RIDER (1969)

1970’s

56. M*A*S*H (1970)

89. PATTON (1970)

46. A CLOCKWORK ORANGE (1971)

70. THE FRENCH CONNECTION (1971)

3. THE GODFATHER (1972)

77. AMERICAN GRAFFITI (1973)

19. CHINATOWN (1974)

32. THE GODFATHER PART II (1974)

20. ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST (1975)

48. JAWS (1975)

47. TAXI DRIVER (1976)

66. NETWORK (1976)

78. ROCKY (1976)

15. STAR WARS (1977)

31. ANNIE HALL (1977)

64. CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (1977)

79. THE DEER HUNTER (1978)

28. APOCALYPSE NOW (1979)

1980’s

24. RAGING BULL (1980)

60. RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981)

25. E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL (1982)

62. TOOTSIE (1982)

53. AMADEUS (1984)

83. PLATOON (1986)

1990’s

75. DANCES WITH WOLVES (1990)

94. GOODFELLAS (1990)

65. THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (1991)

98. UNFORGIVEN (1992)

9. SCHINDLER'S LIST (1993)

71. FORREST GUMP (1994)

95. PULP FICTION (1994)

84. FARGO (1996)

 By my count, I've seen 48 of them, several of them courtesy of a film appreciation class I took in college (seriously, who goes to Blockbuster and asks them if they have "Birth of a Nation?"  And what Blockbuster carries it?)

By contrast, though, just flipping through the HBO schedule for last month (way to go with the update, Ramada), today's movies are schlock and dross...."Million Dollar Baby?"  "Love, Actually?"  (God, deliver me from Hugh Grant) "Ocean's Twelve," "Miss Congenialtiy 2-Armed and Fabulous?"

Hollywood today doesn't have the creative talent to produce a "Rear Window," much less an "Unforgiven" or a "Fargo."  Instead, we have "Big Momma's House 2."  Even the most recent comedy on the list, "Tootsie," was made 24 years ago, in 1982.  So basically, there hasn't been a remarkable comedy movie since then, speaks the American Film Institute.  And do they have a case?  What could your rebuttal be if you chose to disagree?  "Ghostbusters?"  "Ace Ventura Pet Detective?"

Maybe I'll just read a book.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY