Call Me

Call Me                                1470

Monday, August 15, 2005-2:30 P.M. (Central Time)

Hello from the Germantown, Wisconsin Community Library!  The weekend in Madison is at a close, and we had a super time with headliner Mike Armstrong (from Louisville, Kentucky...the 16th largest market in the United States).  Ray Salah was a welcome addition to the show, and received a lot of nice compliments from Gus and the staff at the State Street Comedy Club.

Mike was quite a trip to hang around with, although we didn't spend much time together during the day.  Apparently, on Friday afternoon, Mike dressed up in a polo shirt, RayBan sunglasses and a nice pair of shorts, and paraded up and down college avenue with a cup, soliciting money.  He was telling people, "I don't want to work," and he wound up collecting $18 in half an hour.  Madison is very liberal, and there are quite a few people up and down the street collecting money and signatures for every cause you could imagine.  I'm a liberal myself, but even I know that half the causes are the same as pissing in the ocean...they don't make very much good.  Mike wound up donating the money to a food pantry.

Ray and I met every kind of strange person you could want to meet this weekend; there was an able-bodied young black man who attached himself to Ray and Mike as they walked down the street with me, and then tried to get us to buy him a piece of pizza.  I think Ray stiff-armed him in the chest, I'm not sure.  There were a family of Oompa Loompas in a Subway sandwich shop halfway between Dubuque, Iowa and Madison that were just the silliest people you ever could have seen.  The older guy looked like Jonathan Winters when he would pull his pants way up on the old "Mork and Mindy" TV show.  We had to leave there, because we were laughing too hard and we didn't want to offend anyone.  Finally, when we were in Dubuque, we visited a few pawn shops to see what there was to see, and a guy came in with two bags of goods (stolen?  Who knows?) and a line of bullshit a mile long.  He had just been released from prison, please don't say no, can you buy these things, I'll let 'em go real cheap, yadda yadda yadda.  I think the guy did buy them, because the ex-con left the shop with a smile.  I was busy looking at bass guitars, so I didn't catch the whole exchange, but I did see the tracheotomy scar on this guy's neck that was so big, it looked like a cadillac hubcap.  The bass guitars were weird; there was a left-handed model and a right-handed model, and they were both strung upside-down.

Ray and I hit a whole bunch of used book stores, library book shoppes, and even one open-air market with a bunch of hippies just giving stuff away.  Ray scored a small pile of "Far Side" cartoon anthologies, and we spent the weekend listing books for sale on the internet.  I've sold a half-dozen titles, and I think Ray is at 15 sales or more.  It's nice to have something to divert your attention from the boredom of having a whole day to kill, waiting for showtime.

So we're settled into the Milwaukee, Wisconsin comedy condo, and there's no phone service, so my laptop isn't internet capable.  Luckily there's a library right down the road with internet, so it's probably going to be my home-away-from-home for the week.  Tuesday night, there's a show in Rockford, Illinois...one of my favorite rooms out this way.  Today, it's kill time slowly for Ralph and Ray.

Have a happy day, and stay out of the hot sun.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Heading Out To The Highway

Heading Out To The Highway                                         1458

Friday, August 12, 2005-1:27 A.M.

Today I'm a miserable standup comic.  Crude oil just hit $66 a barrel, which means gas prices are going to rise, and they're already flirting with $2.50 a gallon.  These prices will effectively take me off the road if they keep rising, because the fuel to get me to an engagement will erase any money I might make.

Last night at the State Street Comedy Club was a triumph.  There were five open micers on the show, so I was relegated to only 20 minutes on stage, but they couldn't have been any better.  I called back to the previous comic's act, a blind kid named Rodell who was very funny, and the callback was excellent.  He talked about going to a strip club, and his buddies did him wrong because they took him to a club called "Visions."  He said he got kicked out because he tried to use the Braille method as much as possible.  When I got on stage, I said that the last time I was in Madison I made a lot of money; I went to a strip club, snuck on stage and danced for a blind kid for half an hour and made $45.  It was funny; you should have been there.

Then a blonde girl interrupted me, which got her a verbal punch in the poop-hole.  It was a stock response, but the crowd loved it.  Then my actual set with actual jokes just went so well, I wished I had taped it.  Afterwards, headliner Mike Armstrong, opener Ray Salah and myself went down the street for pizza.  Along the way, we inadvertantly picked up a young black man who was panhandling and tried to get us to buy him pizza.  We were flicking this guy onto each other like he was a booger, and finally he got gone.  Then it rained like hell and we were trapped in the pizzaria.

This morning, it was 6:30 A.M. for Ralphie Boy to go do radio with Mike at Solid Rock WJJO.  I'd been to the station before, but they have nice new studios in a different place, and Johnny Danger was on vacation, so we did radio with the sports chick, Mary Carrol.  She was cool and we had some good fun on the radio, and when they opened the phones to give away tickets, they were ringing off the hook.  And it was mostlyfemales; I'm going to have to explore this phenomena, as the station is one of those Metallica-Limp Bizkit-Korn-Staind type of stations.  Curious.  Also, Mary ponied up with some free station long-sleeve T-shirts, which was nice.  Mine didn't fit, so Ray got it.  Someday the shirts will fit me, but not this week.

Today is comic book day, as the new Justice League and Exiles come out, two of my favorite series.  I'm taking Ray to the gyro place down the street from the club, because it's a Madison ritual for me everytime I come here and the food is awesome.  Then we'll go junking and see what there is to see before our two shows tonight.

Today, do something to help the gasoline situation...write your congressman and complain.  Mention that you vote, and that the state of our energy situation is unacceptable.  Legislators that are up for reelection are always good 'n' fearful for their jobs, and you can get the most action out of them by reminding them of that.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

Riding The Storm Out

Riding The Storm Out                              1451

Thursday, August 11, 2005-11:00 A.M.

Hello from Wisconsin!  What a rocket ride this tour has been so far.  It started out Tuesday morning about 3:15 A.M., when I woke and realized that my 3:00 alarm hadn't gone off.  I got up and showered really fast, but my daughter had different plans than I did.  Instead of loading out my luggage and picking up touring buddy Ray Salah at 4:00 A.M., I had to soothe and comfort the infant from a case of gas or night terrors or whatever was making her howl inconsolably.  My pretty wife was the only tonic that Harmony was interested in, and she finally got her settled down around 5:30 (I was in Buffalo by then, and still communicating by phone).

I drove around 16 hours (counting stops) on two hours of sleep and we pulled into LaCrosse, Wisconsin on the heels of a twister, hurricane, tornado, monsoon, or whatever you want to call it.  The skys grew purple and pregnant with rain, and the wind starting whipping up dust devils as LaCrosse grew closer and closer.  With only 15 miles to go, lightning bolts like the anger of God started striking in the distance, and I pokes a sleeping Ray in the ribs and said, "Hey, we're gonna die...you're probably gonna wanna be awake for this."

We actually made it to the hotel and checked in before the rain started falling, and there was a good group of people there.  I was tired, which never makes for a good show, but I got my point across despite a few unwanted lulls.  I'm working with Mike Armstrong this week, positively one of the best in the business, and that's a little intimidating.  He's a good guy and we've met before, back when I was running the club in Rochester.

Last night was Dubuque, Iowa, in a new room than the one I've played before...the old Brass Ring used to pack 'em in, but this room is still getting their feet wet, and to make matters worse, there's another bar in town doing comedy on the same night.  Again, there was good participation from the folks down front, but the bar clingers in the back were a little disassociated.  All in all, an unsatifying experience, but a few people came up after the show and expressed their enjoyment, and that's what really matters.  No comic gets 100% approval for every show, anyway.

Tonight we head off to Madison, Wisconsin, possibly one of my favorite rooms in the country.  I always do well here, and the hotel is to die for...plus it's right next to the club.  The other fun thing is the string of shops leading up to the college...it's the dope-smokingest, patchouli-oil-smellingest, juggling-with-sticksingest place in the world!  Liberal thought abounds, and for just a few days, I feel like I can unclench my sphincter and relax.  Plus there's hot college girls everywhere, but I'm a happily married man, so it's like Krispy Kreme donuts to my diabetic ass...I can look, but no touchy.  And I definitely can't put one of them in my mouth.

Merchandise sales have been soft so far this week, but one-nighters usually are.  I expect to do better this weekend, and hope so, because we've already put 1,000 miles behind us....that's three tanks of gas!  I'm $70 in the hole just going to work! I'm sure that Madison won't let me down.

Last night's dinner was the broasted chicken for two at the Hoffman House restaurant here at the hotel...I only mention that because it was so good, it was the best meal we've had so far this week.  Madison will probably change that....there's a gyro place on the college strip that is to die for, and I go there everytime I'm in Madison.  It's sad that I'm excited over a few strips of beef in a pita shell and a Greek salad, but life offers it's treasures sparingly, so take them when you can.

Lotsa love and we'll see you later.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

The Kids Are Alright

The Kids Are Alright                                        1435

Monday, August 8, 2005-10:57 P.M.

Greetings from Rochester, NY, and the home of Ralph Tetta Enterprises, a subsidiary of Steve Burr Enterprises, Inc.  On the eve of my big road trip to Wisconsin, I'm excited, stressed, looking forward to it and not looking forward to it all at the same time.

My wife Pamela and I have gone through our regular ritual that we play out whenever I go away on an extended roadtrip; she has asked me to pull everything down from the high shelves that she can't reach, I've killed every bug and taken out all the garbage (like she and the baby won't create any garbage in two weeks).  It's all over but the crying, and actually, it's only two weeks, wheras in June and July, I was gone for five weeks straight, so this is nothing more than an excercise.

The books I bought continue to sell; I've been averaging two a day.  Not bad for passive income, and I'm sure my touring companion, Ray Salah, and I will most definitely make the scene at every thrift store, Goodwill, library book sale and church second-hand sale we can find.  He's actually a much better book-sniffer than I am, so I'll utilize his bloodhound skills.

I've got a 3 A.M. wakeup call to hit the road by 4, so I'm calling this one short.  Mobile updates as the two weeks progress, so stay safe and Go Bills (who by the way, had a successful scrimmage with Bills QB J.P. Losman making a good showing)!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Selling The Drama

Selling The Drama                                                               1416

Saturday, August 6, 2005-7:03 P.M.

Good evening...this seems funny to me, because I typed this journal entry this morning and then erased it, and decided rather than retype it on the spot, to do it again later.  I guess I thought I wasn't in the correct frame of mind to do it over, and maybe I was right.

Yesterday, I got up early to make the 8:00 A.M. opening of the service department at Valley Cadillac to get my car roughed into shape for the road.  I'll be taking it there when I get back from Wisconsin, in about two weeks, for the final inspection ready body work it will need.  In the meantime, it ain't pretty, but it's getting me where I have to go.

I rolled into Wilkes Barre, PA after receiving two disturbing phone calls...both of them cancellations.  One of them is screwing up my Florida trip, so Harmony isn't going to be able to meet her grandfather, my dad, the elder Ralph Tetta.  This is the second time this year my plans have been altered, and I don't like it, not to mention the missing money.  I have to scramble for work.  And because most comedy bookings are a handshake contract, there's no recourse for me except to hope some scraps fall on my plate that week.  It's an ugly feeling, to say the least.  The other cancellation is a one-nighter in Indianapolis that was going to fill in a day off, and not for great money, but it was a headlining spot, which I'm trying to do more of.  I can talk for that amount of time, but I'm not getting enough repetitions to where I'm developing a theme, and I can get tired at the end of the set, which isn't good because you want to finish strong.

Last night's show was a victim of an under-rested Ralphie.  I was all over the board and ran long, luckily there was only one show and the headliner was amiable.  His name is Jimmy Graham from New Jersey, and we hit it off great, partially because I found his wallet full of DVD's in the hallway of the hotel we're staying at, and returned it to him after the show.  Ralph earns his points the old fashioned way; through wanton brown-nosery.  Anyway, the show was good, if not well-attended, with about 46 people in the room, including a bachelorette party with whom I had my way (not that way, ya pig!).  And they fed me a nice Italian sandwich, which I enjoyed, half at the club and half later back at the hotel.

I was woken this morning by the stupid alarm clock going off at 5:30 A.M....I swear to God, I didn't set it, and this happens to me and everyone I know in every hotel in the world...I think the housekeeping staff does it as a bad joke, or to get everyone up and out of the hotel so they can clean the rooms and go home.  Or just to piss us off.  Whichever, I wound up rising earlier than usual, and started planning my attack.  I picked up a local paper yesterday and found that several churches were holding rummage sales today, including St. Ignatius, which was doing it "bag style;" they give you a shopping bag, and you fill it up with whatever you want for $3, or two bags for $5.  I bought three bags of books, and spent the morning back at the room listing them on half.com, a subsidiary of e-bay.  I spent a total of $5 on books I thought I would sell, plus another bag of children's books for my daughter.  I am happy to report that the first sale already came in, a title called Biblical Themes For Pastoral Care that sold for $9.95.  I've already paid for the lot!  And the 38 books I listed today, if they all sell, will realize a total of about $125.  That's a solid investment, I don't care who you are.

So there's one show tonight, which I will prepare for soon, and then the four-hour drive back home, and a nice couple of days off before the two-week trek to Wisconsin with fellow comic Ray Salah in tow.  And tonight is the pre-season kickoff for the Buffalo Bills, my 25-year love affair with the bridesmaid of all bridesmaids.  Oddly enough, they play the Green Bay  Packers on the Saturday's eve before my excursion to Packerland, so hopefully I'll be able to go out there with my head held high.

Hey, it's just a game, right?

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Everyday I Write The Book

Everyday I Write The Book                                 1404

Thursday, August 4, 2005-4:44 P.M.

Well, I'm back from my damaged car's inspection at Nationwide insurance, where they sent me away with a check to cover the unintentional body work that was performed on my Toyota Corolla last week en route to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.  Happily, the check is just a little more that what I thought the total value of my car was, which means basically that it was worth more than I thought, which is good.

The problem is that I have to drive it in it's dented and damaged state to Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, and then on to Madison and Milwaukee, Wisconsin...but the good folks at Valley Cadillac (the host body shop of Nationwide Insurance in Rochester) are going to bang out a bubblegum and spit repair so's I don't get an equipment violation out in the nation's dairyland.  Hooray for me!  Still, that means getting up at 8:00 A.M., a decidedly comedian-unfriendly time of the morning.

Today was another day towards moving Harmony into her new room.  I have about 200 books on comedy that I need to condense into a small bookcase, which means some volumes are going to go the way of the albatross.  I have a book of portraits of comedians, signed by Victoria Jackson of Saturday Night Live and Jeff Altman, veteran of over 40 Late Night with David Letterman programs...I wonder if it's worth anything?  Some items might find their way onto e-bay, so keep your eyes peeled.  Or make me an offer...chances are if you're looking for a book on comedy, I've got it.

Pam and Harmony and I are going to my mom's place now for bragiole...I haven't had it in about 10 years, so I'm pretty excited.  I'll report later to let you know if Mom still knows her way around a kitchen.  We'll see.

Blessings and glad tidings to you!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Cars

Cars                                                                   1390

Monday, August 1, 2005-11:28 P.M.

Good evening.  It's my grandmother's birthday today.  If she had lived, she would be quite old today, but she died in her 80's, back in the 90's.  That's life, I guess.  Happy birthday, Grandma Tetta...I hope you're proud of me.

So today I participated in the National Take Back The Night parade, a neighborhood effort to fight crime at the street level.  We got a bunch of folks from the various neighborhood associations in Rochester and got a big motorcade going, complete with a police escort, and drove through all of the city neighborhoods, honking our horns and waving to the residents.  I don't know how that fights crime exactly, except that there were a few drug-dealer looking types that were yelling at us and throwing the finger.  But most of the folks seemed to be happy to see us, especially the small children, who knew it was a parade of some kind, and generally like waving.  We finished up with a rally at the Edgerton Recreation Center, just a few blocks from my house, and  we had a nice catered dinner, complete with a performance by a step team.  Community activism is civic minded and tasty!

Tomorrow, it's back to business as usual, although I might just drive around honking my horn and waving at folks just on my own.  It was fun.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY