Taxman

Taxman

Wednesday, March 16, 2005-10:39 P.M.

Today I found out that my services are not needed for the show tonight at The Comix Cafe in Rochester; I'm quite relieved, because I need to get going on filing my federal tax return for 2004.

Taxes are usually a source of stress around our household, because my wife Pamela and I both operate our own businesses and work for ourselves.  Consequently, there are a lot of receipts to be gathered and tallied to provide our deductions against our earned income.  Add to that the new baby, and our tax preparation package this year is going to be quite cumbersome and detailed.  On top of all the work that has to be done, everything in our house is in quite the dissaray because for the last year, we've been distracted by the new needy little human being who jumped out of my wife's belly.  Children require a lot of time that usually goes to keeping one's house organized, so now we have these stacks of newspapers, junk mail, receipts, catalogs, comic books (did I mention I love the comic books?), donation requests from animal rights organizations, and other assorted detritus.  Tax time sucks, and the only reason I've put it off this long is because they let you.

Not to just change the topic of discussion, but I'm going to....someone wrote to me and said, "Hey Ralph, how exactly do you keep your wits about you when driving hundreds and thousands of miles across the country on your whirlwind comedy tour?"  The answer, my children, is the same as it's always been-music.

Now, Ralph Tetta is not your high-powered Hollywood insider, with a fancy sattelite radio system in his car, or even a CD player...I have a tape deck.  I drive a 1996 Toyota Corolla with 240,000 miles on it.  I'm scared to add any new sound equipment to the vehicle because I don't know how long I'm gonna be keeping it, so I roll with the tape deck that was in the car when we bought it.

I've told the story before (I think) about visiting Goodwill stores and buying tapes to listen to in the car, but I have tapes that are part of my core survival kit when I first leave the house.

My hit list:

Love Gets Strange: The Songs Of John Hiatt (John Hiatt is a songwriting genius....this is a collection of songs written by John and recorded by artists such as The Neville Brothers, Emmylou Harris, The Jeff Healey Band and Marshall Crenshaw).

Little Village  (John Hiatt did one album with Ry Cooder, Nick Lowe and Jim Keltner.  Pure heaven!)

Widespread Panic: Light Fuse Get Away (Widespread Panic double live....the miles melt away when this is rolling).

Adrian Belew: Inner Revolution (Adrian is a guitar player who recorded several albums with King Crimson and Nine Inch Nails and also David Bowie...his solo material sounds like what the Beatles would be doing if they were around today).

Dire Straits (1st LP) (Mark Knopfler is great, and this album has "Sultans of Swing" on it; probably one of the top 10 rock songs ever written).

Temple Of The Dog  (The combined forces of Soundgarden and Pearl Jam singing in honor of dead Seattle singer Andrew Wood).

PUBLIC ENEMY -YO! BUM RUSH THE SHOW, IT TAKES A NATION OF MILLIONS TO HOLD US BACK, and FEAR OF A BLACK PLANET  (Everything that is wrong about hip hop and rap today is that this band didn't spawn 1,000 imitators.  Smart lyrics, strong opinions and funk for days.  Will someone please get Chuck D. his own show?  He should be on Air America).

Blue Oyster Cult -CULT CLASSICS (Thinking man's metal and one of the greatest rock bands of the 70's and 80's...."Burning For You," "Don't Fear The Reaper," "ME 262," "Godzilla" and "Harvester Of Eyes" are awesome!)

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN-MTV UNPLUGGED (Bruce is the man!  And this collection is like a greatest hits collection live...my only regret is that it's not 3 hours long like a regular Springsteen concert).

U2 -RATTLE AND HUM (Bono.  Bono.  And Bono.  He'll save the world, if we let him.  And the God I worship isn't short of cash either, mister).

Bruce Dickinson-Skunkworks (After Bruce left Iron Maiden, he put out some damn good solo stuff....this is my favorite).

Iron Maiden -BRAVE NEW WORLD (Three guitarists!!!!  Bruce is back in the band, and it's stronger than cow piss on a flat rock!)

The Song Retains The Name (Indie label can't get their clients arrested, so here's a collection of Zeppelin cover songs.  The bands are nobodies like  Hellen Keller Plaid, The Tent Poles, I Love Ethyl and Rich Hardesty & The Del Reys.  Mad Rover Records, 1988).

Deep Purple -MACHINE HEAD ("Space Truckin'," "Smoke On The Water," "Pictures Of Home," "Maybe I'm A Leo," "Lazy," and more.  If you don't like Deep Purple, you know nothing about classic rock or heavy metal, andI don't want to have anything to do with you).

Cream -THE BEST OF CREAM (Clapton is God.  The End)

Listen and love them.  What are your favorites?

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

 

Take The Money And Run

Take The Money And Run

Tuesday, March 15, 2005-12:30 A.M.

Well, it's nice to be home after my 1200 mile, 20 hour drive from Tulsa, Oklahoma.  An overview of the last two weeks at the Rivercenter Comedy Club in San Antonio, Texas  and the Tulsa Comedy Club gives the tour an overall rating of 7 out of 10 points.

The accomodations for both clubs leave a lot to be desired, particularly the cockroach activity in the Tulsa comedy condo.  I understand that I'm not the top rung of the entertainment ladder, but I deserve better than to be lodged in a roach-infested, unclean apartment.  The San Antonio condo was clean but shabby, and very, very small.  A coffin actually has more elbow room.  I dropped the soap in the shower and had to step out into the hallway to pick it up (no lie).

The clubs, however, are excellent, with great crowds and great staffs.....it's a puzzlement that the accomodations are so shabby, you'd think someone would speak up.  Ah well.  At least the money was good.  By my count, I actually made almost double the money I would have made at the northern clubs that I usually play.  I'll probably go back, but I'll do a more exhaustive search for a cheap airfare next time.  And on the condition that the condo is clean when I get to Tulsa.

I came up with a funny line at the bar Saturday night.  They were talking about the south, and someone said, "Don't they still burn books in Mississippi?" and I said "They don't burn books in Mississippi, they burn authors."  It got a good laugh.  I might add it into the set somewhere, just haven't figured out where.

Diet Lime Coke is my new beverage when Diet Peach Snapple Iced Tea cannot be found.  I like it, and I like their new commercial "You put the lime in the Coke, you nut."  It's catchy.  I also like the Chevy commercial with the Yardbirds song "Under Over Sideways Down" in it.  The Yardbirds rock, and if you're not familiar with them, and you're older than eight, catch up, lame-o.  They're awesome.

And while I'm at it, I have to say that I'm really starting to like the Daily Show, but I'm having problems with Samantha Bee and others who interview clueless people and really rake them over the coals.  It's not very brave, and I get very uncomfortable and resentful watching them do it.  You don't make yourself look good by tearing down others, especially thelow.  It's part of a trend that I've noticed where every comic out of Los Angeles is just mean for no reason, and it's the weakest defense mechanism for self-hatred that I've ever seen.  Really, people, you can be funny without hurting people, can't you?  The comedy of ridicule is something you should have gotten over in the seventh grade.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

Tulsa Time

Tulsa Time

Thursday, March 10, 2005-12:03 P.M.

Reporting from the Tulsa Comedy Club in Tulsa, Oklahoma; I'm working with the very talented Jim Dalaikis from Australia by way of New York City-he's my partner in crime this week at the comedy club.  I worked with Jim back when he was living in Syracuse and I was the GM of the Comix Cafe in Rochester; it's always nice when you are on the road and get to work with someone you know.

Yesterday and the day before, I hung out with my buddy Steve Burr from Rochester, NY in San Antonio...he came in a day early and we had lunch together and Steve even slept on the floor to save me from destroying my back and then making my eight hour drive to Tulsa.  Steve is one of the good guys in the business and really is doing the work necessary to become successful.  I have a lot of respect for him (plus, he saved me the money of a night's lodging at a hotel, even though I had to hear his incessant bitching about the floor, how drafty it was, etc., etc.).

My first show in Oklahoma was certainly an eye-opener; I went clean, because I thought the people of the Bible Belt would appreciate it, and come to find out, the dirtier material was the material they appreciated more.  Also, they like to interject....not heckle, just have a conversation.  I said something about Canada, and a woman identified herself as a Canadian transplant, but I think she spent enough time in the States to bleed all the Canadian decency and ettiquette out of her.  She was downright rude, and even walked up to the stage to speak to me during the show.  I was taken aback, but luckily the situation didn't escalate.

Just like San Antonio, I'm staying in a comedy condo, an apartment that the club rents out for the convenience of the out-of-town talent, and I'm none too impressed by the repair of the place.  The property itself is quite run down, and my bedroom contains only a bed and a TV stand, minus the TV.  It's the type of place they put you in temporarily before the Witness Relocation Program finds you your permanent residence.  I'm counting the hours until I get to return to my family, who I miss very much. 

On the upside, I sold a mess of my comedy CD's at the club last night, which takes the sting out of the substandard accomodations.  Not all problems can be solved with money, but in this case, it certainly makes the misery a little more tolerable.

Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY

Ticket To Ride

Ticket To Ride

Monday, March 7, 2005-9:23 P.M.

Reporting from the RiverCenter Comedy Club in San Antonio, Texas-A great weekend of shows, culminating in a soft Sunday set made for a good week here in S.A....I just got done participating in a fundraiser show for St. Cecelia's church here in San Antonio...a good church-going crowd that filled the room, and forced me to "clean up my act."  They seemed to enjoy my set, and I felt really good coming off stage.

Saw "Million Dollar Baby" today...what a downer of a film.  I enjoy Clint Eastwood and Morgan Freeman, and the film was great, but a tear-jerker is not what I needed to see in a town 2,000 miles away from my family.  But I disdain the screwball comedies that come out these days, so I figured I should at least check out the film that won the Academy awards.  The comedy club has an agreement with the movie theater across the way, so the ticket was free anyway, and I shouldn't complain.  I like this club a lot, and truly can't wait to return.  I take off tomorrow for Tulsa, Oklahoma, and another jaunt on the big winter tour.  I have about an eight hour drive in front of me.  My homeboy Steve Burr is flying in tomorrow afternoon, so I might just stick around and crash with him.

I have chicken fingers and a salad waiting, so that's my cue to end today's journal.  I'll fill in more blanks when time is less pressing.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Keep Pushin'

Keep Pushin'

Saturday, March 5, 2005-3:11 P.M.

Last night the shows at the Rivercenter Comedy Club here in beautiful San Antonio were very good; it's very much a tourist town, and they got a very "safe" show out of me at 8:30, but at the 10:45 show, I asked permission to go into my more risque, deviate sexually oriented material, which they seemed to enjoy.  After the second show, a sketch troupe called "Comedia-a-Go-Go" took the stage, and I had to leave in the middle of their first sketch.  They seemed to hang around much too long without getting to a punchline (there were a couple that I repeated to my wife that I thought were good) but I give them credit for doing a sketch show in the first place...it's something I've never attempted.  I always like improv because if a sketch wasn't doing well, you could just end the excercise and move on to the next one; in the sketch world, you're committed until the end.  That's balls.

Today I did laundry, and it's amazing when you're on the road a couple thousand miles from home, how satisfying something simple like laundry can be.  I have fresh underwear!  Thank you Jesus!  I like the fact that the apartment complex where the Rivercenter Club puts us up has laundry on the premises, some do not...and that's also a weak point in the clubs that use hotels for lodging their out-of-town talent, there is frequently no laundry service to be had.  Lunch today was toasted cheese sandwiches (or grilled cheese, if you prefer....it's the same thing, isn't it?) and some lovely shrimp Ramen noodle soup.  I felt almost civilized.  A brisk walk to the downtown library to check e-mail and post this journal entry is almost like excercise, and I must be doing something right, because last night, I had to drill another hole in my belt...the last one just wasn't doing the trick.  To date, this is the 10th hole I've installed myself after the five that were already in there.  The holes are roughly 1 inch apart, which means I've lost 10 inches off my waist since I bought the belt.  To be fair, I had an untreated thyroid condition when I bought the belt, and weighed a good 50 to 60 pounds more than I do now, but I feel like I'm moving in the right direction.  My weight has to be around 320 where just a couple of years ago, I was at 371.  It's been a slow climb, but little things like eating in moderation, and eating several small meals through the day rather than eating one very big meal just before bed seem to be making a difference.  Of course, when I'm on the road, I always try to get in some mall-walking for good measure.  I don't think excercise has to be torture and sweat, as long as you keep moving.  Once I get down to 250 or so, where I'm not crushing my knees everytime I run, I think I might start doing some aerobic stuff, maybe running or treadmill stuff, but for right now, I feel good, I'm rarely out of breath, and I don't own any clothes that I can't wear because I bulge out of them like a busted package of Pop 'n' Fresh dough.

CD sales were good yesterday, and tonight should be a full boat...I'm expecting good things.  Library is closed tomorrow, so weekend wrap-up update will post on Monday.  Have a great weekend, wherever you are, enjoy everything in moderation, and be good to someone, even if it's only yourself.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

Bell Bottom Blues

Bell Bottom Blues

Friday, March 4, 2005-4:34 P.M.

Today hooked up with our M.C. for the weekend, James Ponce for lunch.  San Antonio comics Jay Whitecotton and Christina Lopez attended, and we had a lovely time enjoying Mexican food and talk about the comedy business.  Christina had to go back to her bartending job, then the boys graciously carted me around to a Goodwill store where I purchased some music tapes and a saucepan.  The music tape thing is a little hobby of mine that keeps the road from becoming boring and suicidal; I have a tape deck in my car, a 1996 Toyota Corolla (no CD player), so what I do is bring enough tapes on my road journeys to get me where I have to go, and then I have to go to Goodwill stores to buy music to listen to on the way back.  The benefits are that I am forced to choose from the selection in the Goodwill stores (vs. going to a real music store and buying the same boring stuff) and I only have to pay about 50 cents each for the tapes....if I really don't like them, I can just wing them out of the window.  Today I scored INXS live (didn't even know they had one), Delbert McClinton (excellent), Gin Blossoms and can't remember the fourth one.  I also bought a nice saucepan for the comedy condo....they are a little understocked in the kitchenware department.  I looked at clothes for a little while, but they never have anything my size....thank God....no Brady Bunch shirts in a 3X?  I might lose my mind and actually buy one of those things!

Last night I blanched the crowd a little bit with some of my dirtier material, which is a shame, because I felt they were really enjoying me up to that point.  I will have to adjust for the weekend, as I figure it will be more of the same.

San Antonio is shaping up to be a very good experience, I'm glad I took the gig.

More tomorrow.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Money

Money

Thursday, March 3, 2005-12:31 P.M.

Well, after a 2 1/2 day grueling drive across the eastern half of the United States, I'm in San Antonio, Texas!  The temperature is in the 50's, and the guilt of leaving my wife and baby in the snows of Rochester is preventing me from enjoying it.

The drive down was uneventful, even with snowy, slushy driving through to about Columbus, Ohio.  I took off Monday night, bunked down at the Super 8 hotel in Columbus, and then Tuesday, drove about 14 hours to Texarkana, Texas.  I was happy to be in the Lone Star State and so close to my destination, until I realized that I still had about another 500 miles to go.  Texas is big, baby!  Don't look at the map, it's an optical illusion.  Objects are way farther away than they appear.

Last night, the show was sparsely attended, but the folks there seemed to have had a good time until I brought out the flava, and then they got squeamish.  It's a tourist type town, so I played it like Vegas, light on the language, but not backing away from topicality.  My conspirators on the show are Rich Ramirez from Nueva York, and James Ponce from San Antonio, who I accidentally called Jeff (Sorry, Jeff).

This morning, I argued with a parking lot attendant.  Last night, I parked the car in a lot across the street from the apartments where the comedy club lodges their talent, and the attendant told me it was $7 a day.  I asked him when to come back to pay for the next day's rent, and he said noon.  I arrived at 11:30 to pay, and the attendant (a different guy) told me I was already late because I was supposed to pay at 8:00 AM.  Is it just me, or isn't that what I asked the first guy?  I was preparing to leave to go to the San Antonio Library (where I now type this entry) and he told me when I got back, I'd have to pay another $7 to park for the day.  I told him it was completely unacceptable, and after arguing fruitlessly for about 15 minutes, got in my car and left.  I'll have to find another place to park in downtown San Antonio, which I'm not looking forward to, but I'll be damned if I'll let some minimum wage cretin bend me over because I have no choice in the matter.  It's partially my fault because I started throwing legal terms like "agent" around, basically telling him that if the first guy told me something, he was an agent of the company and his word was a binding oral contract.  I overestimate people all the time, to my chagrin.

On the good side of things, the club has an in-house video system and a great looking stage, so I might get a nice tape out of this week.  Scott, one of the club employees, was glad to volunteer to tape me, and everyone has been awesome, considering I've only been here one day.  I look forward to my week of shows here.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY